Video Journal 12-12-10

Video Journal Entry 2 12-10-10

Video Journal 12-08-10

Entry 1

Sorry it went so long you guys. I wouldn't listen to me talk for a half hour either.

Invisible

This is really happening...
It's been almost 4 months now...
I saw you yesterday
As you walked away
Then you were gone...
When you find the one
Who's only yours
Now and forever
Like you promised,
Nothing can come
Between you
Unless you let it.
Why would you let it?
Why did you let it?
It's been this long...
The only thing
Keeping me from you
Is her
And you know that.
I guess sometimes
It takes losing someone
To realize what
They meant to you.
Yet you continue
To tell people
That I'm a part of you.
Does she know that?
No.
I'm left alone.
And she doesn't know.
I've become transparent.
I'm invisible.

5 Days and Counting

My party is this Friday and I'm still not 100% sure on what im gonna do yet. All I know is that Twitch is staying

ALL WEEKEND

with me and we're gonna have fun.

I'm gonna teach her to drive, we're gonna make Vlogs for my Bored Blog

Link: http://www.becauseimbored-allison2433.blogspot.com/

and we're gonna sing and play guitar for music blogs maybe

Link: http://www.musicmoviesblog-allison2433.blogspot.com/

and we're gonna work on putting together her blog

Link: http://www.twitchs-world.blogspot.com/

and I'm gonna be cooking for her

ALL WEEKEND

and it's gonna be really really fun. I <3 my Taylor   ^_^

OH!! And I'm gonna take her next door to see Artemis's kittens. I'll take pics for you guys. They'll be on my Bored Blog. Also, new vids up. I put up 6 today. I've got 3 more going up tomorrow.

Peace!!

12 Days And Counting

I wanted to make a journal type thing on my laptop. I was gonna just...write out my feelings about this every day...anything to keep me from burning again...but I figured that this blog holds my soul...my mind...my thoughts...my heart...maybe it can hold me together for just a little while longer...If you look at my last post on my Bored Blog that I just posted a little while ago, you'll know what I mean. But this isn't about Austin. It's about Nick.

We've been on/off for about 3 1/2 years now. During the off times, we still acted like a couple, we just weren't "official".

I've never been one for tradition. It's not how I am. We did everything out of order. But it didn't matter. Screw the world. This was us...it was ours...

I know I haven't put anything (still) on my book blog about the novel series I'm working on. I'm going to after I post this.

This is what I know: when I get married, I wanna be in my mid-twenties, I DON'T wanna marry in a church, and I DON'T want a long dress with lots of frills and poofiness. I DON'T wanna long train on it. And I'm NOT wearing red lipstick with a bun and a veil. I'm leaving my hair down. No bun. No veil. I MIGHT curl it only slightly to give it a beachy waves kinda look. I wanna get married on the beach. Around sunset. I'm gonna wear flipflops. No heals. Hell, I might go barefoot.

Not a lot of makeup. Just natural looking makeup with a smoky eye thing going on. That's my favorite. But not black. Probably either plum, golden brownish colored, or a light gray.

I'm gonna have, like, this epic buffet thing and lots of colorful drinks like cocktails and daqueries and pina coladas and I'm gonna have sodas for the kids.

I'm doing my own hair and makeup, and for the bride's maids dresses, they're gonna be like mango, peach, orange, a light yellow...they'll be warm colors, but they won't match. And they won't all be the same dress. I'll use a certain dress to fit each individual person's figure.

I won't look like friggen Repunzle either. My dress is gonna be all silky and curve-hugging and have a bunched trail that doesn't go past my feet. Like I said: flip flops.

That wasn't the point of this post...I just got completely off topic. My point is, I love Nick, and he has a girlfriend. I didn't actually expect them to still be together...it's going on 3 months...true, it doesn't top 3 years. But....if he's been with her for this long, then he's gonna TRY to make it work and they won't break up soon...and the thing is, I try to judge fairly. I don't automatically hate a girl just because Nick hates her. I DO automatically hate a girl when she's the only thing that's keeping us apart.

I started burning again over this...I haven't since last time cuz Nick was pissed and Twitch said if I did it again she'd light her arm on fire, so I don't wanna take the chance of that happening because Taylor is honestly crazy enough to do it....I don't know if she'd actually go through with it, but it really wouldn't surprise me. I don't wanna take that chance.

I saw this post on Sami's blog about the Butterfly Project.
Go here: http://www.lifeencourageslollipops.tumblr.com/
It's helped...kinda...I haven't burned since...but it doesn't mean I'm not tempted. I'm gonna see him next friday...this can only go badly...

Just Thinkin'

Why is it that thinking about you makes me so sad now?

It used to make me happy...

I guess I just wanna be with you...

Fuck...

Random Poem-ish Thing

So, as most of you know, I've been taking prescription steroids this week. Evidently they make you INSANELY mood swingy. Like, how I am during PMS in the extremity kinda mood swingy. I don't hate Nick. I couldn't. I was just...hurt...I don't know...I guess I just had a momentary little weirdness happen where everything over the last couple months decided to let loose its sperm inside my brain so I could only think about that part. About what SHOULD'VE been compared to what IS.

And now Austin...he's amazing. He's sweet and funny and lets me vent and he's easy to talk to and he's REALLY hot. And he makes me feel...I don't know...like...like I'm doing something right, I guess. He's impressed by the small things about me like that I play guitar and have horses. It's like....an ego boost.

But I'm scared that that may end up being all he can be...because every fiber of my being has always told me that Nick was the one...he was all I ever wanted...all I want...so either I'm wrong and I need to let him go or...I'm right. And I need to be WITH him instead of with someone else...no matter how anybody else makes me FEEL, none of them could make me happy. Not truely. Not the way Nick did...it's weird...I've seen him twice since May yet none of my feelings have budged...and up until 2 months ago, I guess his hadn't either...but now...I have no idea...

I wish I could just let myself be happy with Austin...God knows he treats me better...but the thing is...I don't know...all I can think about with Austin is how I wish Nick felt that way about me...and if he still does, that he treated me like that...cuz he used to...that's why I broke down last Wednesday at church. Everyone thinks I'm using Austin. I'm not, obviously, with all the stuff I said about him already. But...I'm afraid...what if I hurt him? He doesn't deserve it. He deserves to be with someone that can make him happy. If a guy can't make me happy, then I wouldn't genuinely be able to make them happy...cuz I wouldn't fall in love with them...and Austin...what if he does? Then it makes everything harder...

We've gotten to that point where you talk about a lot of random crap and I 3-way'd him and Twitch so he's best-friend-approved. And she knows exactly where I'm coming from (see Judgemental Bitches on my Controversiality and My Opinions Blog: http://www.iwillnotkeepmythoughtstomyself.blogspot.com/) and where the pet names (I.E. babe, hun, honey...but just those) take part. It's weird...not like uncomfortable, really...but, like...the pet names never made me blush or giggle like a total girl except with Nick. We used ALL of them. But not like the embarrasing ones. The normal ones (I.E. babe, baby, darlin, hun, honey, love...I think that's it) and it feels weird for me to call anyone but him that.

Yes, I've dated guys since Nick, but he was my first and longest REAL relationship and we got somewhat serious...not like talking MARRIAGE but STILL. My commitment issues refuse to let me contemplate that far ahead. It would not end well. Either I'd get my hopes up, or I'd dread it. And, with my luck, the opposite of what I want would happen as is usually the case with him...I don't understand how I still feel so strongly about someone who feels like...a dream...like...an imaginary friend I guess...a dilusion...hallucination...this is what happens when I've been away from him for too long. And then I doubt my feelings. They turn to hate or indifference. But it lasts about 10 minutes and then I realize I was just being stupid...I don't know. I need TV. Read the random shit below.






There used to be so much love

In this heart for you...

Now it's about

Halfway drained

And refilling itself with hate...

I never wanted to hate you...

I never thought it was

Possible to hate you...

I loved you too much...

Why can't I just be happy

With what I have?

When you get a taste

Of the best thing-

The only thing

In the whole world

That you could ever want-

How could you go back

To still searching

For The One

When you've found him

And can't have him?

I'm so confused

Because I never thought

I could love

Like I loved you.

You changed my life.

You changed everything.

How am I

Supposed to be without you?

You were my whole life

My world

My air...

You wanted to make us work...

We could've....

We were meant for each other...

Supposed to be together...

How can you lose something like that?

When perfect for each other

Means disaster waiting to happen...

Then you know the world

Is on it's way to hell.

Might as well throw a party.

Old Poems From Facebook (4)

I wish I could take pictures with my eyes.
Our eyes see colors
No
camera can capture,
No paint can detail,
No drawing can define.
They
paint this picture inside our minds.
It can't be shown.
You have to see.

All we that is seen
Is pure beauty.
Every creation is beautiful.

All creation is good.
There's so much beauty in this world
But we so
often overlook it.

i took all of these pictures.

Old Poems From Facebook (3)

This is the difference between the movies and reality.
In movies,
everything works out the way it should.
They go thru similar situations, the
same emotions, and bottling it all up.
Finally they let it all out.
And
when they do, they get their perfect little happy ending.
In real life,

Happy endings are extremely rare
Because nothing works out like it's
supposed to
And we make this huge mess trying to fix everything
Which
only makes it worse.
Then when it feels like everything is just gonna fall
completely apart,
There's always someone there
To get you thru it.

Someone who's been there all along.
But what if that person wasn't in
front of you?
What if that person wasn't there?

Old Poems From Facebook (2)

Tonight I'm gonna cry
Tonight I'm gonna scream
Tonight I'm gonna
replay everything

Tonight I won't get sleep
Tonight I won't dream

Tonight I'll only be able to think

Tomorrow I won't want to be awake

Tomorrow my heart will break
Tomorrow I'll break down and cry


Then tomorrow night
I'll dance
And cry
And pray
And try
to get through everything on my own

Tomorrow night I'll live
And die

And for once in my life
I'll feel like things are right
Despite
everything wrong in my life

Tonight I'm gonna cry

Old Poems From Facebook (1)

The only thing worse than having you here
Is not to have you at all.

The only thing worse then being with you
Is the feeling whenever you're
gone.
The only thing worse than to see you each day
Is never to see you
again.
The only thing worse than your new beginning
Is for us to have
our real end.
I can't just be a friend.
You can't just be nothing.

The only thing worse than for you to move on
Is for you to think you're
in love.
The only thing worse than you falling for her
Is for you to
think that she's the one.
Cuz what if you're wrong?
What if it's me

And you're just too blind to see?
What if we're the ones who are meant
to be?
What if this life
Is passing you by?
What if you've got
everything all wrong?
What if you're chasing after a rainbow?
Trying to
find a needle in a pile of hay?
What if I'm right?
What if you're wrong?

What if it's me?

This One's For Her

I have a friend who just got her heart broken truly for the first time. She's in a horrible place right now. I hope this makes you feel better, Sam.





So there you go little one
With your Barbie dolls and pig tails
Still so innocent
With no cares in the world

You're still at that age when
Life only gives lemons and
The worst thing to happen
Is when someone steals your crayons.

You have no idea
What lies in your future
And you don't really care
About what the future holds

Here's to when you were
In kindergarten
When you got in trouble
For not sleeping during nap time

You didn't have to worry
Everyone took care of you
You thought boys had cooties
And they grossed you out.

Here's when the worst thing
Was a visit to the doctor
And your mom making you sleep
Instead of playing outside.

When you hated your bath time
And you fought over cheetos
And best friends meant forever
And no one got hurt

This one's for the little girl
Only 6 years old
That sprained her wrist
Doing gymnastics at home

When you pretended the floor was lava
Jumping couch to couch
While blaring Brittney Spears
Singing at the top of your lungs

When you set up a pillow fort
With quilts and chairs
Every weekend in your living room
Watching movies til you dropped

Here's to all the innocense
And curiosity we lost.
Here's to the little girl
Who loved to do magic tricks.

When you're favorite show was Barney
And Dora wasn't born yet
But you were way too cool
To wear him at school

When you secretly cried
When you stayed at a friend's house
Cuz you missed your mommy
But you'd never tell

Here's to the simplicity
And to all of the love.
What happened to us?
Let's go back to those days.

Paranormal Blog (In the Making)

Something opened my door last night...but something was nothing...im gonna start a paranormal blog

Call it Checkin' In.

That's all the poems I have right now. I'll have to copy the ones from Facebook. But I'll do that tomorrow. I'm workin' on my Bored Blog tonight. Here's the links to my other 3 blogs for those like me who are too lazy to just click on them from my profile:

http://www.allieblog2.blogspot.com/
http://www.musicmoviesblog-allison2433.blogspot.com/
http://www.becauseimbored-allison2433.blogspot.com/

And if you wanna check out Milky's blog where he's got his photography, poems, and personal opinions of things, here's his link:

http://www.remindmehowtolive.tumblr.com/

Yes, he uses Tumblir instead of Blogger. I can still follow him from my account tho :) GO CHECK HIM OUT!!

Jaded

We've heard it said that desperate times call for desperate measures...I did something today. Something I will probably regret later. It should feel wrong...bad...but it feels...normal...indifferent.

I had Jaded by Aerosmith stuck in my head and I wanted to write a poem about being jaded :) it seemed appropriate.

Reminder: I'm not always depressed when I write. But when I write happy ones, they're either cheesey love poems or just really, really crappy...





I see you in my dreams
I wake up with these screams
As I'm calling out your name.
No surprise that nobody came.
I make these excuses for you,
Reasons you do what you do,
But it takes too much energy...
How can you do this to me?
Now, baby, I can't wait forever
Cuz forever takes too long.
And I don't wanna get my hopes up
In case you're already gone.
And how can you not have seen it?
It's been me all along.
I was the one.
I was there when you were scared
And you needed someone to hold onto.
I was there as your best friend
Every day...
But your kiss and your hugs...
They made me fall in love
But sometimes now I hate it.
You left me jaded.

Jealousy

I talked to Nick yesterday. How do you tell someone that you miss them in a lover-way when they have a gf? Who I hate...I told y'all why. It's not cuz she's his gf.

I cried for like an hour the other night...I realized I'm more afraid to fall out of love with him than I am for him to fall out with me. The difference is HE always comes back. I won't. Not if I stop loving him...but what if he decided he wanted me to? IDK I know I'm paranoid and I overthink everything. But I only do that when it's him...anyone else, I don't really care. I've been almost cheated on by guys since Nick and I didn't care at ALL. I was like, really? That's cool...

I was also kinda worried because every year for Halloween, we get our large group of friends together (The Crew) and go trick-or-treating. What if he tried to bring her...? I mean I already have to put up with Ashley (my former best friend since grade 5 who's now a two-faced, whining, cheating, lying, self-righteous, narcissistic BITCH...didn't have a non-cuss word for that) being there flirting with him.

I just wanna say this, because it bothers me. I'm an insecure person, but only when it involves him. Meaning: I notice when confident, pretty girls put moves on him. I also notice when whores do. The problem with guys is that they always want the whores and they're SO shocked when she cheats on them or dumps them for someone else or gets pregnant. All guys are that guy.

That's pretty much why I wrote this poem, actually...





You cut me deeper
Than I really think
You'll ever know.

You say "remember"
To all those things that
We were before.

And now I'm hurting
But you try to
Look away from me.

You know what's there
But you can't look cuz
You're too scared to see.

And people wonder
Why I let you hurt me
For this long.

The pain is worse
Because it becomes seering
When you're gone.

It feels like fire
Is the only
Escape out from here

But I don't question
How my body
Reacts when you're near.

I thought that this had come to pass
And I thought that we would always last
And I guess I thought you felt that too
Or at least I hoped you always knew

That this is what
You've done to me
Suffocated by
This jealousy
I didn't think this was how it would go
But let's play out
This show

But, baby, please don't
Slip away from me
Don't ever just
Give up on me
We could make this work that way you know
But let's play out
This show

I try to tell myself
It hurts you just like
It does me,

But I've learned
That when I lie
My brain will not believe

A single word I say
Or think and I can't let it go
But nobody knows

Don't get me wrong
I want you to be happy
Anyway,

But, love, have you listened
At all to a single
Word I say?

And when I look up,
Why can't you just
Look me in the eye?
Will you even try?

This should have come to pass.
And, babe, we could still last.
And, yeah, you always knew
I can't give up on you.

You have done this to me.
You made this jealousy.
And a part of you'll always know
That you wrote the show.

How can you pull away?
How could you give up on me?
This isn't how
Love works, you know
But this is your show.

So don't cry your fake tears
And tell me that I'm right.
Don't tell me that you're just scared
As if it's alright.

How can we make it last
When you don't just try?
You ask what I want to hear,
Just don't tell me lies.

She could've been me, you know?
And I can't just let it go....
I poured out my heart and soul
Into your show...

I wish I could say goodbye
But leaving is just a lie
Because it ends with time
Unlike some things should do

And it's been 3 years now
Still yet you don't know how
To make this part work out
This one's on you.

Everything that's around me
Reminds me of you in some way
The wind is picking up
And I guess I've had enough

But you've got ahold of me
Damn all this jealousy...
It could be us, you know?
Baby why'd you have to go?

I can't break your hold on me...
I guess "I love you" wasn't what it seemed.

Blogs 2 & 3!

I have about 20 viewers right now. For those who read my blog, I have 2 others also on this account. Go to my profile, and then click on whichever you wanna check out.

F... sorry, I'm trying to quit cussing...GAHHHHHH I hate this friggen keyboard. I'm on my mom's computer right now instead of my laptop. This is quicker, but the keyboard sucks balls (which is not a cuss word XD)

I started my friggen period last night so my back hurts. And I can't show yall a random silly picture since I'm not on my laptop. Sooo Imma post the rest of my poems in a minute.

PEACE!!

Geometry

You guys all know I can write WAY better than this. But I was completely, 100% fucking bored outta my mind and I'd written an assload of poems and I wanted to keep writing so I didn't have to do math. Self explanitory. I wrote this right before I wrote Pick-up Lines and Put-downs which is the first post I have on here I think...it was intended to be a Geometry pun. And failed. Really really bad.

WARNING: this poem is a complete waste of your life and may calls regret, boredom, insane laughter and shortness of breath at 4 AM, nausea, vomiting, soreness of throat, I can't believe you're seriously reading this shit, what the fuck is wrong with you? At this point I can prolly say anything and you would never know. Anything. So there.





In a room full of circles,
I have to be square.
At a swimsuit party
In my underwear.
I guess it's 1 + 2
Should be me + u,
But I'm bad at spelling
And you're bad at counting.
I guess this makes more since
With a little background.
I'm s'posed to be looking up,
So I'm just looking down.
When I say looking up,
I mean at my math text book,
But I hate Geometry
So I'm writing poetry.
Yeah, I guess this one's
Just a little bit random...
But I don't care
Because I like random.
I'm feeling like the Moldy Peaches
Right about now,
But I've never really met them,
So I don't know how.
I don't really know
How I wrote this much
About absolutely nothing,
Or a lot of little somethings...
Oh well, back to doing stuff.

So, I Guess Pessimism Comes As A Second Language

This was written the same time as the last one.

Also, check out my new blog. It gives my reviews on movies and actors, and I give links for guitar tabs/chords. And don't forget about my book blog where imma be talking about my novel series. Y'all bear with me, I know I haven't actually posted about my books yet. I'm still trying to get caught up in this blog and then imma get caught up in that one.






My point is not to tear you down
Or make you cringe with guilt.
The point here is to make you see
Everything I've felt.

All the things we've been through
The last 3 years
Should've pointed something out to you
But you couldn't see it that well.

You can't help somebody
Who doesn't want help.
You can't love somebody
If you don't love yourself.
You can't be with someone
Who doesn't want you.
I'm sick of the head games
And mind tricks.

I'm nobody's fool.
Don't leave me for lost.
I don't care what people say.

You'll regret this
And miss what you've lost
Cuz when you try to push me away
And then I finally say "okay"
And I let go,
You won't get me back.

It's Complicated

I wrote this one the same time I wrote the last 3 and along with the next 3. You can tell I was kinda running outta my words...read it all the way through, though. Seriously.






No, this isn't another
Cheesey poem.
No, it's not another
Corny song.
No, I'm not gonna tell you I miss you.
No, I'm not saying what you did wrong.
All I know is this thing's
Kinda rhyme-y.
And now I wonder if that's a word...
So just letting you know
(with bad timing)
Here's the truth about
the things you've heard.

I'm afraid.
I'm not okay.
I'm taking one day at a time.
No, I'm not through.
I'm not over you.
I don't wanna be friends
And, no, I won't pretend.
I want you to think
About me every night
Right before you fall asleep.

That's what I do:
I think about you.
It makes me feel safe
So-to-speak...

Maybe I'm scared
And I know life's unfair
But you have to take the good
With the bad.

The problem's not just me
And my insecurity
It's just us not
Making it last.

I can't try on my own
But there's one thing I know;
Something you would
Never admit.

There's a reason for this:
Us together in the end
So how can you always
Just quit?

We can't be just friends.
We always want more.
Saying "I'm scared"
Is a really pathetic
And poor excuse.
A cop-out.
Do you think I'm not?
Who cares if she gets hurt?
Fuck her. That's all I have to say about that.

Love Is

I wrote this shortly after I wrote the last two.





So, I've tried to move on
And I've tried to say goodbye
And as corny as it sounds,
Life without you is just a lie.

I put on my big, fake smile,
But the truth is still there in my eyes.
Yeah, maybe I look happy,
But that night I'm gonna cry
Over you.

Weird how you believe me...
You just hate to see me hurt.
Don't wanna believe
You did this to me.
Ain't that the way it used to be?

But you can't dry these tears now
When you made them fall from my face.
You can't both break my heart and then
Patch it up again.
You can't have it both ways...

So being "friends" is supposed to fill
The black hole in my heart?!
You think you can cure with a
Playful punch on the arm
When you tear my fuckin world apart?!

Who the hell do you think you are
Since I keep letting you do this to me?
I will never be
Who they want me to be
And you were the only one who found me

When I was invisible.
When no one else wanted me
You were always there to help.
You were the boy with the glue gun
To a girl with a broken wing
But why did you think
That when you came back to me
And we tried to fix things...

You could just drop me?
And run away to her...
You said that you were scared.
I say that you're a coward.

Love is taking risks.
Even when you know you'll get hurt.
And when no one else
Is there to fix and mend...
Love is.

Addicted

I wrote this when I wrote Burned.





I wish that it still surprised me
When you come crawling back.
I wish that I knew better,
But you're all I really have.

I guess that's why
Somewhere inside
I know that it won't last.

It's short term now
And you don't care how
I've felt for you in the past

I close my eyes
And I try to hide
The pain inside.
You've opened up my scars.

But I'm addicted
to the pain.
And I'm addicted
to the love.
And I'm addicted
to the high you get me on...

You're in my blood
And in my head
And it's too late
Cuz you're there to stay...
You've already won
And I've already lost.
I can't back out the hurt
Even though I've become
Accustomed to your touch
and accustomed to your kiss
But it doesn't get much
Simpler than this...
The thing I've dealt with
The most for so long
Is the fact that you have
Made me become
Accustomed to you gone.

Burned

I wrote this about 2 1/2 weeks ago. I think I mentioned this before, but just in case, I'm labeled as an "emo" kid.

If you go through my pics, you'll see I'm the type that doesn't dress according to their label. I don't care what people think of me. I have people I love. I like to make friends. I'm a loyal and dedicated friend. My friends (and Nick and his family) are my whole family. I would trust them before I'd trust my biological family.

Most of the way through August, me and Nick were working on getting back together. He ended up with Brit. Again. Who just kinda "happened". I burned myself.





I've come so close
But still so far away
Trembling now
I'm so messed up today...
What'd you expect?

Sitting there
Voices fly through my head
I close my eyes
"Just do it" they said
I can't drown them out...

I tuck my head
Between my knees
Cover my eyes and ears
Please just go away...
I'm no where near okay...

Sharp scissors
A lighter
Fingernails
Vodka
These things pop into my head

Mathmatical compass
The blade from a broken
Pencil sharpener...

I light my scissors
To make them hot with
The fire from the lighter.

A bright red stripe
That leaves no scar
Across the inside of my wrist.
You did this.

I tried 3 times
With no success
Because burning yourself
Just leaves regrets

There's no blood
And no scars
At least not physically...
How could you do this to me?

I Did

This one is pretty much the same emotionally as the one before.




Pardon my bleeding
It's difficult to slumber
When everything is falling apart

I lie still in waiting
As the darkness creeps inward
Approaching this hole in my heart

Have you ever made excuses
For the person that you love?
Have you ever tried to drown your sorrow and pain?
Have you ever taken matters into your own hands
And sworn you'll never love someone again?

Have you poured out your emotions
That you always tried to hide?
Have you ever just cursed at the wind?
Have you swallowed up your pride
Just to make it through the day
And cried yourself to sleep at the end?
I did.

Through your eyes, you see me
But not for who I am.
Only who you want me to be.

Has a lover broken your heart?
Scattered the pieces everywhere?
Have you had to go find them again?
Just to give them back to him?
I did.

Incomplete

Okay, so in case it's not obvious enough, anytime I'm not with Nick, I get REALLY depressed. It's not a codependancy thing. It's just...love. He makes me happy. But when we're not together, it makes me hurt...and I can only write when I'm REALLY emotional about something. But there's only one word for love. Everything else is just something you do.





And so concludes
My hopes and dreams.
Should I let them fade away?
Nothing to show
But this gaping hole
Left in my heart.
My blood rushes out
In streams.
It pours from my center.
But no one can see
This agony. I'm invisible.
No one can know its wonder.
When perfect for each other
Means disaster waiting to happen.
This heart is shattered;
Obliterated from my chest.
No tears left to cry,
So I quietly weep; a pitiful sight.
We were meant to be,
But you couldn't see it.
Love is a blessing.
Hope is a curse.
Being led along my way.....
With you, I'm happily miserable.
Without you, I'm incomplete.
Just like...

In The End (this one should've come before the last, sorry)

I was trying to describe the feeling I had in my stomach...the empty...nauseating feeling...everything that went through my mind...when I thought I would never see Nick again. It didn't become real yet...I felt...numb.





I have this empty space in my stomach...
Like he's really gone this time...
I guess this means we took too long...
We used up all our time...
I wanna take back the fighting...
Any time we spent on someone else...
This doesn't feel real yet...
I'm still waiting to find myself
Because I lost me somewhere deep in him
In his bright, big, dark brown eyes
And the gorgeous smile that breaks your heart.
The only one who makes me cry...
He used to be my fairytale.
My deepest wish come true.
My favorite lie of all of them
Was the recurring "I love you."
If he really loved me, then why doesn't he now?
Where is he when I need him most?
He's lost somewhere in her deep blue eyes.
She used to be me....
What happened to us?
When did we fall apart?
Will I ever get him back again?
Screw moving on.
All hope is gone.
This is a fight I just can't win.
Because I'll always love you in the end.

What You Don't See

Milky actually inspired this. He wrote a poem that made me start brainstorming. His stretched into a story. Mine stayed in this...mildly redundant but still to the point kinda thing. Proof that I hate writer's block. Bad/good things kinda fall in sync with Milky and me. I don't know why. Our highs and lows hit sorta...simultaneously. Like, we have the same deep, deep emotions at the same time. We're emotionally synchronized.

It's still about Nick though. To an extent. Y'all can tell when it is and when it's not. See, he can see through everything when no one else can. He knows me in ways that no one else does or ever could. So in the beginning, when it talks about the people that can't see past my front, it's generalized. When it says why I had the front, and it gets deeper, it's Nick.

And for those who wanna check out Milky's poems and stuff of the sort, here's his blog URL:
     http://www.remindmehowtolive.tumblr.com/
He just got it, so there's nothing on it yet, but he'll put some stuff up later. All of his are the kinda things I could never think to say...he's an amazingly talented writer and poet. Tell him I sent ya ;)





You see me smile
When I'm falling apart.
You see me laugh
When my heart is shattered.
You see me happy
When I wanna cry.
You see me dance
When I wanna die.
You see me sing
When I wanna scream.
You see my front;
I replay everything.
You see me here
When I wanna be there.
You feel me here
When I'm everywhere.
But what you don't see
Is the pain that lies
Inside the tears of the troubled eyes
As I wonder how I bought all your lies.
What you don't see is the hurt.
People can say whatever they like
But I'm always yours and you used to be mine.
You'll never think to look inside
Where all you would see is the hurt.
With violent shakes
Your face awakens
Me from the darkest dream
I just wanna hold you close
And never let you go
And recreate a new dream.
One where things are as they should be.
How can you not see?

My First

So, he was pretty much my first everything. I made a list. I know I make a lot of points to say something about "his arms" but it's just that...his hugs are like...he holds me together...all the stress goes away and it feels like I have fallen into a million pieces throughout the day and he just...holds them together...plus he has nicely toned, sexy arms, so that's a nice bonus haha. And when he holds me...I don't know...he just...makes me feel loved...and safe...I know that sounds all cheesey. The point of this blog isn't to talk about Nick. It's to share my poems and explain them with a little bit (or a lot) of background. There's your background.





He was my first kiss
And my first love
My whole heart
All of my life
My only soul mate
Where did it go?
I'd give him anything
And he gave nothing to me
I didn't take anything
But he took it all from me
He tore me to pieces
Took all of my heart
Everything I had to give
Was lost in his arms
He made me feel beautiful
For the only time in my life
And he took it all away
With goodbye
He had to go
And find himself
Find his missing part
But I was right there all along
Longing for his arms
I was right there the whole time
But he could never see
That all along his broken heart
Was leading him to me.

Poem 4 (my 29th, but 4th on my laptop)

When I wrote this, Nick and I were together. This was about....8 months ago. This bitch who loved to cause drama was trying to get between me and him. She has tried to fight me over him before. When he found out, he stopped talking to her for months. He hates losing friends, so he ended up being friends with her again.

She couldn't stand that he was happy with me. Cuz she's a miserable bitch. She made up this rumor that he had tried to kiss her at this party the week that him and I had started talking about getting back together. And the particular night she said he tried, ironically, is the last real kiss I got from him up to this point. I told y'all why we broke up, and why we haven't yet gotten back together. But we were happy.

Like an idiot, I believed the rumor at first. He was like...pissed at her beyond belief, but mostly hysterical over me...not like crying. Like...worrying himself sick. "She's just a lying bitch. I LOVE YOU whether you believe it or not."

I felt...skeptical...paranoid...guilty as hell. He'd been trying to prove that he loved me. That he really truly did. We've been through hell and back. Anyone can see that. I wrote this because I didn't know how to explain it...I wanted to pour everything out there to him...try to explain why I'm such a skeptic and why I'm so quick to be pessimistic and accept some stupid rumor from someone I don't even like let alone trust...I love him so much....why couldn't I just let myself trust him?

As I said before, I have abandonment and trust issues. He knows that. And he's good to me...but...when we're not together....like now....






So many things I could tell you...
Most I wish I could just let go...
So sick of being skeptical
And hesitant and doubtful.
And I wanna tell you that
But you always prove me right
Every time I start acting this way
I just wanna be with you
Wanna just be close to you
And figure out how to
Let my guard go back down again
I rebuilt these walls
That you worked so hard to tear down
I've been told that you'll prove
Every feeling you have
If it's honestly true and real
But my love is in the small things
That we both say and do
I'm tired of being told things
More tired of listening
To everything that they have to say
But I hate it when they're right
Which is most of the time
I just don't want things to be this way
You're not the only one to blame
But it doesn't seem like
No should be that hard to say
I wanna trust you
I want it to be okay for me to love you
But somehow these words keep slipping away
I don't wanna get hurt
Or to be confused
Even if you don't mean for things to be this way.
These things I gotta remember to say.

It's Always Been You

Not a lot has happened today...I've been watchin the House marathon and then Imma watch Family Guy when it comes on at 10. I don't have to be in bed til 12 anyways soo...pretty slow day. When it cuts to commercial, Imma go get some hot chocolate.

I know most people find it weird to drink hot chocolate in the summer, but technically it's fall now and furthermore, hot chocolate cures the more depressing mood swings. And to the sexist assholes reading this, NO I'm not on my period. I still have about...10 days. Assuming I'm actually on time...I'm usually about a week early.

And I know I'm giving a lot of personal info to that effect. I don't really care. Ask me anything besides my phone number, address, or last name or any way you could stalk me. I'll answer any question you have. Even if it's just sarcasm. I can be a bitch, believe it or not :)

I wrote this the same time I wrote the last 3. It was a back to back to back kinda thing, so it was all influenced by the same inspiration.






I will be fearless.
I will get through.
I will push through this
Til I can start new.
I won't forget this.
I can't forget you.
But I have forgotten myself
In spite of you.
A piece of me died.
It's been left behind.
My very soul weeps for you.
This piece of me gone.
How can I move on
When the only one for me is you?
It's always been you
Whether you see it or not.
It's always been you
Even if you probably forgot
How to love
And to feel
And to see
What is real
And to fix this heart you broke in two.
Somehow I'll still get through,
But it's always been you.

Scared

Not much to say about this that I didn't say in the last post.





I tore out my heart
Let it rip from my chest
Watched it bleed on a page
That you would soon forget.

I snatched out my heart
How could you not see
That all this time along
It's always been me?

I've always been
The one for you.
It's always been you and me.
How can you suddenly be so blind
And unable to see

What's been right here in front of you all along
Pining and dying inside?
Waiting for the day when you'll wake up
And see all these things that I hide.

Write it all down
Pour it all out
Into a poem or song
All of these things
Straight from this heart
Which has beated for you
For this long.

But where are you now
When I need you the most?
Crying and pining for HER?
Why do you see what's just not there?
Are you really that scared?

A Last Note

I'm gonna have more short notes today again...I'm missing Vintage tonight cuz I can't get a ride and Nick called me...we didn't have a lot to say, but he was attempting to change out of his tripps into something church-appropriate (he has church on Wednesdays too...). He was also playing with his slinky and his brother's Samuri sword...guys, being away from him drives me crazy...we could've worked this time...I can feel it...

I wrote this the same time I wrote Bottled Up, Scared, and It's Always Been You. I haven't posted the last two yet. I'm going to after this.

Basically, on the last day of school, I gave him a note pouring every inch of my heart out to him. Everything I ever hid from him...every feeling I had towards him...everything. And how much I still wanted him and that being away from him drove me crazy...I wanted him to know in case I didn't see him again...I love him...




"Some things are better left unsaid"
I don't believe that's true
I could never live with myself a day
If I hadn't told you...

I needed you to know
Every word that I said,
I had to try to show
All of the thoughts buzzing thru my head
I didn't want to go
And leave a part of me behind.
I needed you to know
Had to let you inside my mind.

"Some things are better left unsaid"
I guess sometimes that's true...
But when it's something in your heart,
You have to let it through.

I know I couldn't take it if
The moment passed me by.
I swear I wouldn't change it
If it meant I could say goodbye...

I know now what I should've said before
Everything I had to say...
I'm just glad that now you know
The way I've felt every day.

Each minute I've spent with you
Is another wish come true.
"Some things are better left unsaid."
Not when it's "I love you..."

Bottled Up

I wrote Poem 24 for Ivey. She was in a dark place and Nick was the only one I ever wrote for. I don't have it anymore. I only had one copy

When I wrote this, I thought it was gonna be the last time I ever saw him...I moved away in May and it was the last day of school. I needed to write. To cope.

For the record, the original version of this poem was shaped like a bottle. I can't guaruntee I'm capable of doing that via keyboard...




                                                                                 So
                                                                                many
                                                                            things that
                                                                          needed to be
                                                                         said. So many
                                                                           things that I
                                                                         hide. So many
                                                                         feelings that I
                                                                      need to let go, but
                                                                     they stay bottled up
                                                                 inside. You were always
                                                                     the only one for me.
                                                                     The only one who'll
                                                                   ever be. Don't pretend
                                                                 that you don't care. Don't
                                                               just walk away. Don't make
                                                             me force this smile and pretend
                                                           to be okay. You know the one who
                                                          I need back. You know that side of you
                                                           The one who was always there when
                                                               it was just us two. But now you
                                                                keep him bottled up afraid to
                                                               let him go. I know these things
                                                                        keep inside that no
                                                                      one  else  can  know





So, maybe the bottle got ghetto stomped a few times....

Hey Dad

As I did before in Note to Dad I again attempted to express my feelings towards him into my poems. I'm not good at talking about my feelings. But I am good at reading people. Random fact. My dad is not exactly what one would call "proud" of me. If you want the details, read Note to Dad.

For the mentally slower than normal, this poem is pure sarcasm.




Hey dad
It's me again
I bet you wish that
I was so different
I bet you hope
I'll become who you
Want me to be

Hey dad
This is just who I am
I'm sorry to disappoint you
I'm not going anywhere

Hey dad
I know "I love you" is your favorite lie

Hey dad
I know I'm not good enough for you

Hey dad
That's okay
I don't wanna be
The girl you want me to

Hey dad
That's not me
It's you

Nameless

Hey everybody sorry I haven't posted in a while, I've been grounded for the last week and then the last couple days I've been working on my other blog. I haven't yet put up anything about the novel series I'm working on, but that's mainly because I just recently got my laptop back and I can only use it between 5 and 9 on weeknights now and 5 and 12 on weekends.

I wrote this about Nick. I can't remember why, though...I guess it's just that when you have trust and abandonment issues like me, and the people you trust just leave...it leaves you feeling exposed...like your dress just got ripped off at prom kinda exposed...well I wouldn't know what that felt like...if you know from experience, I am SOOO sorry. Sucks to be you.





For so long, I hid in the shadows.
I wanted to be alone.
You pulled me out into the open
And left me in the spotlight alone.
I stood there speechless with stage fright
And couldn't remember my name
Lights all around shining so bright
I didn't know you were just a game.

I play my guitar
And sing out my heart
And every song reminds me of you

Stand in the dark
Remember the scars
From everything you put me through

You left me alone and
Struggling to move on
All the time calling your name
Where did you go
When I needed you the most?
I'm falling in love with you
All over again
Though you're just pretend

I sink back into my shadow
After being knocked off my pedestal
You swear you didn't mean it
But sorry doesn't cut it this time





Yeah, everyone, I won't have many side comments tonight. I'm having one of those moods where you're just really really emotional and you have no clue why.

I know why. There is something I know that could hurt someone I love, but it hurts her more if she doesn't find out. And her seemingly perfect boyfriend who just broke up with her isn't gonna tell her. He broke up with Sami 3 or 4 weeks ago. But there's something I know that she doesn't. And either him or Ivey needs to tell her. It's not my place to say because I'm not involved, but Ivey told me, and I'm the only one who knows besides Ivey and Garrett.

At this point, it's kinda obvious. You guys know I'm amazing at keeping secrets, but I spill out my guts to all of you because no one involved will see it therefore preventing me from making a mistake. You all should know at this point that Nick is a band geek (a sexy one) and so are Ivey and Garrett.

Know what...it'll go in my book. Read it in my other blog in the next week or two.

Note to Dad

You guys know a good deal about me up to this point. As I said before, you'll find out about my dad later. It's later. Me and my dad aren't exactly "close". He thinks I'm selfish and conceited and shallow and that all that matters to me is myself and nick. Which- to an extent- he's right. Nick is my world. Dad can't insult me by saying that I care about Nick more than anything. It's true. As far as being selfish, that's his opinion, which I stopped caring about a long time ago.

I live with my mom now. I love my mommy. Dad thinks she treats me like I'm her favorite and my sisters are just there. But he's a dumbshit so who cares what he thinks? You want the full list? Comment and ask for it if you're that curious. If not, it'll be in my book. If you wanna see progress on my book, check out my other blog:   allieblog2.blogspot    it's the same account as this one, just a seperate blog.

I was feeling compelled to write about my dad. Generally, I just feel like he's not on my mind enough to write about. That I really don't care enough to have him take any part whatsoever in my poems. But I'm making an exception. For this, and for one other called Hey Dad.

And while we're at it, let's turn this into a venting thing. If you have anything you need to get off your chest about your parents or another family member, feel free to vent here. Just comment and vent. I may start another blog called Ask Allie because I'm generally really good at giving advice. The problem being this: It's a blog. You have to have entries before you have comments...who knows. Maybe we'll prevent homicide. Joking. Unless, you know, it really keeps you from committing a homicide in which case...yay.




There are so many things
I wish I would've said.
I wish I'd given you
More than a piece of my mind.
You left me.
A little kid.
When I didn't understand.
But all I knew
Was that you weren't there.
What's my problem, dad?
What am I doing wrong?
Why do I hate you so much?
All you did was leave.
But you came back.
So that makes it okay that you
Missed most of my childhood?
And I have a problem?
So it wasn't your fault?
Who are you gonna blame now?
My mom was always there.
She was always around.
I was old enough to remember?
All I remember is you being gone
And when you were home
Avoiding me.
I remember you always mad.
I remember mom crying.
I remember feeling like you didn't
Want me.
It was never because of mom.







It usually takes a LOT before I can open up about my family. This is not even scratching the surface. But I still feel...exposed. Like I have kept a secret from the world, but now everyone can see. I don't wanna be hated or make anyone upset. I write what I feel. My dad, basically, kicked me out. He said that I obviously don't wanna be there, so don't come back. As a little kid, all I remember was him being in his room all the time and only coming out for dinner or for yelling at us if we did something wrong. I remember that just about every night we had what mom called "Girl's Night" which meant that dad wouldn't be home that night, so we would make a huge palat of quilts and chairs and eat junk food and watch movies until we all passed out. My dad would get mad if we did it when he was home. I remember every night I would read to my sisters until they fell asleep because dad would be mad if we were awake past bed time. I remember mama crying every night that he was home. He would yell at her, which is why I made sure my sisters were asleep. I waited til he went to bed, then I'd go sit with Mama til she stopped crying.

Whenever I talk about this to anybody, he would be furious and say I don't know what I'm talking about. But I kept journals when I was little. I remember a lot. I remember a couple times when mama woke us up late at night cuz we had to go pick dad up from his friend's house cuz mama said "He drank too much Mellow Yellow."

And what I remember from recent things is everything he has called me over the last year or two. He said I have a manipulation game going on with my mom. He said I spread my poisonous lies. He said I try to turn him and Stephanie (my stepmom who's 14 years older than me) against each other. He says all the time that I think the world revolves around me. He said I use my sisters as my "entourage" and I don't care about my brother. He calls me a child. He says Hannah (8-year-old step-sister who's irritating as fuck and flirts with Nick) is more mature than I am. He says I don't know anything about love and no church I go to can help me because I have an evil heart (actually, that one was Stephanie who said it). He said I'm not as smart as I think I am. He said I'm lazy.

I once told Nick in a note that my dad thinks that I'm a whore. And in the same note I said that my dad is stupid for thinking that me being in love with Nick is just a little crush. (Nick laughed his ass off over that). But I said the whore part 3 times. I said the stupid part once. My dad found the note and flipped shit over being called stupid.

Gets better. My dad has threatened multiple times that I'll never see Nick again. He's said that he'll call the school and make sure I don't have any classes with him or run into him in the hallway, he's threatened to send me to an all-girl's private school, he was gonna try to get mom on his side so he could cut my phone off. Don't mess with a whipped bitch, daddy. There's always loopholes.

I Told You So

I wrote this in attempt to ignore my dad on the way to lunch. There's not much meaning behind it except that it's about Nick. OH!! I remember this. Mkay this was when we were still being...curious...and I told Ivey that I wouldn't be even considering anything if I didn't genuinely believe that he was the one that I was meant to be with. And I told him that because me and Ivey had this long, deep, bawling discussion about it (while I was wearing his jacket weirdly enough) but I wrote down the texts to give to him so he could see it. He needed to know. I had to tell him. He didn't really say anything about it at first- he usually doesn't- but the next fight we had, it got brought up and he didn't think he was. Read through to the end. I was irritated when I wrote this, BTW.





So I guess you're still in denial.
That's cool, and I'm okay.
And I guess you still think you're right
No need to fight about it anyway

Can't wait to say I told you so,
And that you can never get away.
There's no point in running now.
You can never escape the fate.

You're mine now.
It's written on your heart
And running through your veins.
I don't know how
You could be so cruel
To walk away
But I'll say
I'll say
I'll say it again
There's no way
No way
That this is all pretend
I can't wait
Can't wait
Cuz this is not the end.
I thought I told you so.




I think that was an attempted song.....uhh.....hmm.....well, I was right though :) And that's not what he was afraid of. He was afraid of the intimacy and lack of self-control that goes along with it. We already had enough issues with that....and why did I write that shit so gorey??? XP

Nick's poem (the one from facebook)

In my poem Waiting, I told you guys about a poem Nick had written about me on Facebook. Now that I've gotten my shit in order, I can show y'all the poem he wrote cuz it almost made me cry.





i love you..........


I LOVE YOU..........now and forever. It's always been there, just sometimes starving and sometimes dying from disregard. I say that I hate you, but that was never true. If I hated you, I hate a part of myself. This love is crashing like a tidal wave. Say hello to the new me. I fall asleep from your lipstick lullabies so easily. I wanna know why......







There was another poem he wrote for me. Before this. In response to the ones he'd found that I'd written. Yes, he had added on to that one, but he'd also written back. It didn't have a title, but it was...perfect. He has a way of always bringing tears when he writes to me. He's gotten a couple published. Not the ones to me, though. They're mine.




Whenever I see you sitting there
Thinking about me
I shed a silent tear or two
Cause we think that we can't be.

We think about the past
So in the future we learn
That I never meant to lose you
Or make you hurt deeply.

I wanna say I'm sorry
And mean it sincerely
But no words form upon my tongue
To say this simple phrase.




Can I just say that if you're reading this, I love you. Always. And also I'm all teary-eyed right now haha..I need a life.

Untitled

My bad, people, this was supposed to be number 16 but I accidentally skipped it. Um...I remember this very well...I don't remember what was going on at the time. I remember Nick had been freaking out that day because his hair was flippier in the back than usual. Or at least HE thought so. It looked like it always did: dark brown and wavy. Kinda shaggy, but not too long. It hit at the beauty mark he has on the middle of the back of his neck (that sounds weird, but it's actually kinda cute haha). So when I make a referrence to that (the hair) don't be surprised. I did it as an insider. Not because of a lack of adjectives.





He's got the
Big bright smile
And the sparkley brown eyes
And made me feel pretty
For once in my life
I've never been used
To doing something right
Til I got you
He's got the cutest laugh
And the flippy brown hair
And all I can really
Ever do is stare
But I can't let him see.
He's so smart
And knows just what to say
He's the only guy
Who could ever make me
Feel this way
He's the brightest spot
In the middle of my day
But I let him go
Why did I let him slip away?
We're running out of time...
He used to be mine.

Scars

I just figured out why Milky was being all quiet :/ I'm sorry sweetie and when you see this, cuz I know you will, I LOVE YOU!!!!!!! He's my brother. At least, we call each other brother and sister. Just like Nick's little brother calls me his big sister :) oh, come on, you didn't seriously expect him to NOT get mentioned, did you?

Again: I can't remember why I wrote this.




So, what is there
That I can really say?
I can't make excuses
For feeling this way.
I can't pretend
That you're not the center of my day.
I can't describe what it's like
For you to feel so far away.
You're sitting right beside me
Yet we're just so far apart.
You used to see right through me
But you ignore my broken heart.
It pains you to see me
Like this: falling all apart.
You don't understand why
I'm covered up with scars.
You ripped apart what I had left.
Tore my heart into shreds.
Yet you can't stand the sight
Of your own handiwork?
Do I make you sick?
Do I disgust you now?
Do you hate me?
Would you leave me now?
Or try to change me?
These feelings like I've never felt...
It's love and hate.
It makes me sick.





I honestly can't remember why I wrote that. At all. Um...I remember it but I don't remember why...

Where Do I Go?

So I told Milky about my blog earlier and he randomly stopped textin me. IDK if that means he found it, or if it means he's distracted. Guess we'll find out later.

Anyway, I actually don't remember anything about this poem...I don't even remember writing it...but I know I did...is that weird? Oh well.





Why is it times like these
That always make me think of you?
When everything is all wrong
I can only remember how much I love you.
And it becomes so real again.
When I'm happy,
It's all your fault.
When I'm sad,
You're my best friend.
When I'm angry,
You let me vent.
When I want you,
You try to be there for me.
But when you're gone,
Who do I turn to?
When I miss you the most
Where am I supposed to go?
When I cry over you,
Who dries my tears?
When I'm lonely
And I just need you to be near...
Where do I go?
That's when I need you the most...





I just noticed this. A lot of the lines of my poems start with the letter W.

Heart's Not Breaking

I was having one of my many moments where I stop and medititate on my inward self. Who I am. What I know. Where I've been. Where I'm going. What I've learned. I wrote about love because I've learned the most from it.





Love is such a strange thing.
It opens your eyes to new possibilities
But it closes them to some realities.
It changes the way you see things.
It alters your judgement.
It makes you look past flaws
And not want to change their imperfections.
It's an unquenchable fire.
A persistant need.
It's like a natural high.
It makes you do some crazy things.
You love being around them.
You light up just at the thought of them.
And when they're not with you,
Knowing you'll see them is what keeps you going.
It makes you excited to get up in the mornings.
But if you lose them
It's like getting your soul ripped out.
They're both the best and worst things
That've ever happened to you.
It leaves you with an aching gap.
A hole in your heart.
It's like being lit on fire
And trying to hide it.
An axe in your head
But saying you're okay.
Sometimes you have to just hold back the tears,
Smile, and pretend like your heart's not breaking
                    </3

Don't Let Him See

I wrote this when the Brit thing started over the 2nd time. I was trying to force myself to be over him. I had all of these thoughts shooting through my head of things that I was telling myself that seemed to be working. I wrote this about it.





Don't say you want him.
Don't say you need him.
Don't say you love him...
Put on a smile.
Laugh like crazy.
Don't think about him.
Ban him from your mind.
Flirt with new guys.
Find someone else.
Try to be happy.
Don't let him make you hurt.
Don't let him break your heart.
Don't cry.
Block it all out.
Be with your friends.
Meet someone new.
Do something a little crazy.
Please don't let this get to you.
Don't say no one can replace him.
And don't let him see.........

Waiting

Nick and I had had a HUGE fight. He'd written this poem about me on his facebook status saying how much he loved me and shit but then like an hour later we were SCREAMING at each other. That's what happens when slutty bitches go after your man, ladies. We get pissed. It has since occured to me, however, the men don't like it when we CONFRONT the slutty bitch and TELL her the way it is. I was upset because THIS was the only time he'd EVER said he felt like it was more of an infatuation that he had with me than it was that he loved me. He changed his mind after reading this. I put mine up on Facebook as well. Cuz imma smart ass.





We want who don't want us.
We love who don't love us.
We chase who don't want us.
We want who don't chase us.

We care for those who don't give a crap,
We love those who don't love us back
We hurt for those who just don't care
We know it won't get anywhere.

Why is it that we stick around
And hope that soon they'll come around?
Maybe soon they'll change their mind...
Meanwhile we just wait...

It probably won't happen.
We don't expect it to.
There's this one thing we can't make change
"I can't stop loving you..."

Hi, My Name Is: Depressed As Fuck.

I wrote this the same time I wrote the last couple. He was convinced he was in love with this girl, and being his best friend, I had to hear about it Every. Freakin. Day. I didn't come up with the title to it until yesterday, though. I just kinda put some random shit for the title.





I didn't wanna wake up this morning
Stupid snooze button wouldn't stay down
I didn't wanna have to come today
And see your face
It's funny what you do to me
Tho I don't seem to care
It's funny how you break my heart
But all I do is stare
It's weird that I can't get enough
Of my nightmare come true
The strangest part about it all
Is how much I'm in love with you
I really wish I just knew how
You do these things to me
Maybe then I'd know how
To make my heart not bleed
For you it seems that my heart beats
It skips when you're around
And even when I think of you
It just begins to pound
Yet here I am desperate for
A chance with someone else
Maybe this time I'll get real love
Someone to make me like myself
The way you treated me was unfair
Expecting me to wait for you
We both know somewhere inside
I will always love you
But now, my love, it's time for me
To find somebody new
Someone who'll love me the way
I always wanted you to
Someone who would hold me close
And not care if someone saw
Someone who might take your place
And get me thru this all






I mentioned in one of my previous entries that Nick and I have dated other people. I was talking to a guy at this point because Nick was talking to a couple girls, and I really liked the guy and he'd been in a similar situation as I had. So he understood how I felt. And he made me laugh and would talk to me every night until I fell asleep. But Nick still felt the need to catch me off guard with hot spots that he knew of. So I told him I was kinda seeing someone. He pretty much had always hated him since.

Don't Go

This was my first attempt to get back into writing songs again. It was a flop but it worked as a poem. I guess it's just easier to write chord progressions on guitar than it is to write emotions and thought and feelings into words that are...intense enough to describe them. Sometimes words and feelings don't match up.





What do you want me to do?
What do you want me to say?
How am I s'posed to move on
When nothing's okay?

I'm picking up the pieces
You left behind.
I just don't understand
Why you changed your mind

What made you say
You don't love me anymore?
And that it's not the same way
That it was before?

Baby, don't leave me.
Don't leave me again.
Hold me in your arms
The way that you did.
Baby, stay with me
And never leave again.
Just promise me one thing:
Please don't let this be the end.

Don't go
Please don't walk out the door
Come home
How could you not love me anymore?
Don't go
Baby just come home
Don't go
Baby don't walk out the door






I was at a loss for words because that was the only time he had EVER told me that he didn't love me anymore. He more recently told me he lied. Also, on my last post, I meant to explain him dating Brit NOW. He was afraid we'd have sex. That's pretty much it.

The Things That I Hide

I wrote this one specifically to give to Nick. As it turns out, we fought less when we expressed emotion through poems. Which sounds like a cheesey chick flick, but I'm being serious I swear. We'd been together for right at 3 years on/off (if you haven't figured THAT part out yet). And there was this girl, Brit. She went to his church (He's Latter Day Saints) and she had classes with him in school and she'd never met me before. I'm sorry. I'm gonna get a bit...angry and depressed at the same time over this because as of a couple weeks ago, they're dating again. I'll give my explanation for that at the end.

Let's start with this. Nick's parents don't want him dating until he turns 16 (this upcoming March 23rd) and they didn't know about me. He used to do alot of stupid stuff and they didn't know about it. And we got...curious as a couple. We didn't DO anything...but we talked about it. Until my dad found the notes.

My dad, as you will find, is an uptight asshole. Nick's mom...I love his mom to death. She worries about him. Mostly because of his older brother......he'd be SOOO pissed at me for saying all of this on the internet......but he's not gonna see it and neither is anyone who KNOWS me or anyone that anything on My Blog relates to, so what difference does it make? My Blog is about me. And because it's about me, it involves him too. But there's not gonna be trouble over it.

Anyway, after my dad flipped major shit, Nick's mom found the rest of them. She found the worse ones: less sexual, but not less suggestive. And more about the things HE has done. And she didn't know that I was the girl from the notes. SO she had cried and he felt like crap but he didn't want to end things with us either. At the same time, he didn't wanna hurt anyone anymore. So we broke up. He went for 2 months sticking to not having a girlfriend because he wanted to do the right thing for his parents and wait til he was 16. But Brit happened. Little Bitch. So I wrote this.





Why are things always confusing?
Is there a simpler way?
Afraid to express how I'm feeling
Cuz I'm the one who made things this way.

I can't find the words to say this
So I'll just say what I can
Everything about this hurts like hell
But I need him to be happy.

I want to be the one who's there
Whenever he needs me around
But I guess he doesn't need me
If I'm replaceable.

I'm afraid to lose him
And afraid to tell him
Cuz I don't want him to see me hurt

I wish I knew how to let him know
But it all remains trapped inside.
These are the things that I hide...

Homesick

This one is the one that Nick and I so to speak wrote together. But I didn't put it into my poetry journal, so let's see if I can remember it.





Whenever he's not here,
I'm homesick.

When she's not here,
I hurt.

And when we're not together,
It feels like ragnarok:
The death of the world.




Score 1 for Allie!! I remembered!! And oh, my God that almost made me cry haha. I'm sorry, you would have to know Nick personally to understand why it makes me emotional despite it's simplicity. It's just like him to make a Ragnarok reference. He feels smart by talking about things that I've never heard of hehe.

Strung Along

This is the second poem that Nick found. He found this along with Say You Love Me and one other that we never came up with a title for...I think I'll call it Homesick. But, yeah, umm....I was at my great grandmother's house when I wrote all of them and I missed him like freakin crazy so I wanted to write because it was comforting. But I didn't have my poetry journal so I put them into my Notepad on my cell phone. Nick was hanging on to my phone for me the next week and it didn't occur to me that they were still on there until AFTER he found them. I was like...embarassed to the point of speachlessness. But because of the fact that he's Nick, he was all ego-trippin over it and he was being sweet and encouraging and shit which was strange because I'd expected him to be like...weirded out. But he actually LIKED them. So, this is the second one. It was an attempt at a song but I decided to leave it a poem.






What does it take to make it?
What declares that love is true?
Is this a mistake that I'm making?
Tho I don't regret it with you...

How many clouds in the sky and
How many rocks on the shore?
Scratched up on my knees
And begging you please
Cuz I just can't take any more.

Some say love
Love is a river
Sometimes you'll get carried away
Some say love, love, love
Love is a shelter
It's what brightens your day
And it makes everything okay

Through all of the things that you're saying
How much of these words are true?
Down on my knees and I'm praying
Cuz I just can't stop loving you





I think that's the one that made him cry. He read them in order, so...

Say You Love Me

Okay, as I said in a previous entry, Nick was the first person to EVER see anything I wrote. This was the first real poem I wrote and I wrote it about him. He found this one and two others which I'll post after this. The third one I had started but didn't finish and he added onto it so I guess you could say we wrote it together, but I'm putting that up in a bit. I have two for before that. The two I wrote almost made him cry. Because this was the first time he'd ever seen this side of me. I had never opened up to him in this way before and he didn't know I wrote. And he knew I had these feelings about him, but I hadn't voiced them in this way. And having to be sensitive and manly at the same time, he underlined the word "almost" about 9 times. He really liked them. He wanted to see my others. But as you all have seen, the ones prior to this have all pretty much sucked. I'll probably show it to him later on...and you'll all be the first to find out :) But for now, he's only seen a couple. This is the first.






He is like nothing I've ever known
Taking chances like I've never done
And I can't even breathe
If I can't feel you next to me.

Breaks my heart just to watch me fall
Everyone sees we've been through it all
But I can't let go
And I won't move on

And I've tried
So many times
To get you out of my head
But there's no turning back now.

Every day
Gets a little bit longer
Every minute
Gets a little but harder
Cuz you aren't here
And I'm not there, no.
Every time that I try to trust you
Breaks my heart just a little more in two
Because I know
That you'll go, oh
So say you love me

Meant To Be

I know the titles are kinda giving away the gist...jist...however you spell it...of the poems. This one, honest to God, almost landed me a record deal. But my mom lost the guy's number. I wrote this in the August of  '09 and everyone I showed it to liked it. Which was weird. It sounds better with my guitar, but it actually works as a poem too. Umm...I hadn't seen Nick for 3 months when I wrote this and school started back so I had 3 classes with him at that point (our schedules changed later so we only had 1st period) but I was happy. Cuz I'd missed him...





Every tear I cried
Helped me to realize
What I'm living without.

Endlessly searching for these
Pieces of me
That've been scattered around.

What happens when your world comes
Crashing down right in front of you?
What if the only way out is
Back the way you just came in through?

You seem so low
Come on, get higher.
Don't you know
You're my desire?
Just take a step back
And maybe then you'll see
Some things are meant to be.

There's no doubt about it
I can't live without you
Can't explain just how I feel...
Wrap my arms around you;
Pull me closer to you.
Guess this is how you know that we
Are meant to be...





I took a lot of material out of that when I was changing it to a poem. I'd rather not play it publicly though...my front yard is as public as I intend to get besides the local parks. And friend's houses. And my youth group if I go through with it.

For those of you who don't know this, I'm Assemblies of God. If you don't know what that is, it's the largest branch of the Pentecostal church. But we're not the ones that the term "Pentecostal" is identified with. "Pentecostal" has become a steriotype. They're considered the psycho church who dance with snakes and become possessed by the Holy Spirit and speak in tongues.

That is a completely different branch of Pentecostal. Assemblies of God speaks in tongue on occassion, but it's actually pretty cool. The different tongues are Arabic, Aramaic, Hebrew, Latin, and Greek. I wanna learn all of them. Latin is surprisingly easy to learn.

What the Assemblies of God church IS is that we're the ones with the hands up who sing and dance like crazy people and have a fully decked out praise team. And when I say fully decked out, I mean drums, bass, acoustic guitar, electric guitar, acoustic-electric guitar, keyboard, 2 backup singers, lead vocals, an electric effects pedal, and everyone on stage dancing with all the audience in front of the stage dancing and singing along. It's amazing. You get on a spiritual high. We're the ones crying for the whole 2 hours.

At my particular church, it's practically run by the youth. there's 1-3 things open 6 days out of the week specifically for youth. We also have fall and summer camps and Fine Arts which Danny, my youth pastor, says I absolutely MUST do. I love my church. Unfortunately, we moved about an hour away in May so, until I get my license in February, I can only go to my youth group once every other Wednesday. Which sucks because...have you felt like you can't cry anywhere but one place? That's my one place. So either I break down, or I dance. All over the gym. And I am NOT a good dancer. At all.

More Than Words

Hey you guys. So I'm kinda picking up where I left off yesterday. Before I get started, I just wanna say that today is Ivey's birthday and she's turning 15. On my other blog, you'll see more about her and about Nick because as I said on there, I'm attempting to write a novel series and you guys will see bits and pieces on there. I can't say what characters represent who, but I'm looking for fake names for these characters with meanings that describe the personalities of these people. But most names have more Biblical meanings. And while that's great and all, I want something that represents the character themself.

Okay, this poem was originally a song, and it's also one of my older ones. I changed it to a poem, but I don't think I really added anything to it...I still had some stuff left over on the list from the last couple poems. This is another written out of boredom. The ones written from boredom, I'm not particularly proud of, but I wrote them because I hate writer's block with a passion and something is better than nothing because something can be tweaked.





My love,
Best of wishes
To you
My angel

True love;
May it find you
Someday
And may you not push it away

Cuz we've had our ups and downs just like
Everybody else,
And I wish I'd known before that this
Was how you felt...
How much I love you's indescribable,
And like I've said before,
That will never change,
And it'll take
More than words could ever say.

First love,
It's a funny thing.
How come
I can't make it change?

Why do
I still love you so
Though I
Had to let you go?

Don't take this wrong,
I want you to be happy.
But I need to be the one
To make it work...

You're spontaneous...
Unchangeable...
My love for you
Is unshakeable
It's unthinkable
It's unstoppable
And I can't let you go...
It's more than you'll ever know...