Jealousy

I talked to Nick yesterday. How do you tell someone that you miss them in a lover-way when they have a gf? Who I hate...I told y'all why. It's not cuz she's his gf.

I cried for like an hour the other night...I realized I'm more afraid to fall out of love with him than I am for him to fall out with me. The difference is HE always comes back. I won't. Not if I stop loving him...but what if he decided he wanted me to? IDK I know I'm paranoid and I overthink everything. But I only do that when it's him...anyone else, I don't really care. I've been almost cheated on by guys since Nick and I didn't care at ALL. I was like, really? That's cool...

I was also kinda worried because every year for Halloween, we get our large group of friends together (The Crew) and go trick-or-treating. What if he tried to bring her...? I mean I already have to put up with Ashley (my former best friend since grade 5 who's now a two-faced, whining, cheating, lying, self-righteous, narcissistic BITCH...didn't have a non-cuss word for that) being there flirting with him.

I just wanna say this, because it bothers me. I'm an insecure person, but only when it involves him. Meaning: I notice when confident, pretty girls put moves on him. I also notice when whores do. The problem with guys is that they always want the whores and they're SO shocked when she cheats on them or dumps them for someone else or gets pregnant. All guys are that guy.

That's pretty much why I wrote this poem, actually...





You cut me deeper
Than I really think
You'll ever know.

You say "remember"
To all those things that
We were before.

And now I'm hurting
But you try to
Look away from me.

You know what's there
But you can't look cuz
You're too scared to see.

And people wonder
Why I let you hurt me
For this long.

The pain is worse
Because it becomes seering
When you're gone.

It feels like fire
Is the only
Escape out from here

But I don't question
How my body
Reacts when you're near.

I thought that this had come to pass
And I thought that we would always last
And I guess I thought you felt that too
Or at least I hoped you always knew

That this is what
You've done to me
Suffocated by
This jealousy
I didn't think this was how it would go
But let's play out
This show

But, baby, please don't
Slip away from me
Don't ever just
Give up on me
We could make this work that way you know
But let's play out
This show

I try to tell myself
It hurts you just like
It does me,

But I've learned
That when I lie
My brain will not believe

A single word I say
Or think and I can't let it go
But nobody knows

Don't get me wrong
I want you to be happy
Anyway,

But, love, have you listened
At all to a single
Word I say?

And when I look up,
Why can't you just
Look me in the eye?
Will you even try?

This should have come to pass.
And, babe, we could still last.
And, yeah, you always knew
I can't give up on you.

You have done this to me.
You made this jealousy.
And a part of you'll always know
That you wrote the show.

How can you pull away?
How could you give up on me?
This isn't how
Love works, you know
But this is your show.

So don't cry your fake tears
And tell me that I'm right.
Don't tell me that you're just scared
As if it's alright.

How can we make it last
When you don't just try?
You ask what I want to hear,
Just don't tell me lies.

She could've been me, you know?
And I can't just let it go....
I poured out my heart and soul
Into your show...

I wish I could say goodbye
But leaving is just a lie
Because it ends with time
Unlike some things should do

And it's been 3 years now
Still yet you don't know how
To make this part work out
This one's on you.

Everything that's around me
Reminds me of you in some way
The wind is picking up
And I guess I've had enough

But you've got ahold of me
Damn all this jealousy...
It could be us, you know?
Baby why'd you have to go?

I can't break your hold on me...
I guess "I love you" wasn't what it seemed.