When I wrote this, Nick and I were together. This was about....8 months ago. This bitch who loved to cause drama was trying to get between me and him. She has tried to fight me over him before. When he found out, he stopped talking to her for months. He hates losing friends, so he ended up being friends with her again.
She couldn't stand that he was happy with me. Cuz she's a miserable bitch. She made up this rumor that he had tried to kiss her at this party the week that him and I had started talking about getting back together. And the particular night she said he tried, ironically, is the last real kiss I got from him up to this point. I told y'all why we broke up, and why we haven't yet gotten back together. But we were happy.
Like an idiot, I believed the rumor at first. He was like...pissed at her beyond belief, but mostly hysterical over me...not like crying. Like...worrying himself sick. "She's just a lying bitch. I LOVE YOU whether you believe it or not."
I felt...skeptical...paranoid...guilty as hell. He'd been trying to prove that he loved me. That he really truly did. We've been through hell and back. Anyone can see that. I wrote this because I didn't know how to explain it...I wanted to pour everything out there to him...try to explain why I'm such a skeptic and why I'm so quick to be pessimistic and accept some stupid rumor from someone I don't even like let alone trust...I love him so much....why couldn't I just let myself trust him?
As I said before, I have abandonment and trust issues. He knows that. And he's good to me...but...when we're not together....like now....
So many things I could tell you...
Most I wish I could just let go...
So sick of being skeptical
And hesitant and doubtful.
And I wanna tell you that
But you always prove me right
Every time I start acting this way
I just wanna be with you
Wanna just be close to you
And figure out how to
Let my guard go back down again
I rebuilt these walls
That you worked so hard to tear down
I've been told that you'll prove
Every feeling you have
If it's honestly true and real
But my love is in the small things
That we both say and do
I'm tired of being told things
More tired of listening
To everything that they have to say
But I hate it when they're right
Which is most of the time
I just don't want things to be this way
You're not the only one to blame
But it doesn't seem like
No should be that hard to say
I wanna trust you
I want it to be okay for me to love you
But somehow these words keep slipping away
I don't wanna get hurt
Or to be confused
Even if you don't mean for things to be this way.
These things I gotta remember to say.
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