Random Poem-ish Thing

So, as most of you know, I've been taking prescription steroids this week. Evidently they make you INSANELY mood swingy. Like, how I am during PMS in the extremity kinda mood swingy. I don't hate Nick. I couldn't. I was just...hurt...I don't know...I guess I just had a momentary little weirdness happen where everything over the last couple months decided to let loose its sperm inside my brain so I could only think about that part. About what SHOULD'VE been compared to what IS.

And now Austin...he's amazing. He's sweet and funny and lets me vent and he's easy to talk to and he's REALLY hot. And he makes me feel...I don't know...like...like I'm doing something right, I guess. He's impressed by the small things about me like that I play guitar and have horses. It's like....an ego boost.

But I'm scared that that may end up being all he can be...because every fiber of my being has always told me that Nick was the one...he was all I ever wanted...all I want...so either I'm wrong and I need to let him go or...I'm right. And I need to be WITH him instead of with someone else...no matter how anybody else makes me FEEL, none of them could make me happy. Not truely. Not the way Nick did...it's weird...I've seen him twice since May yet none of my feelings have budged...and up until 2 months ago, I guess his hadn't either...but now...I have no idea...

I wish I could just let myself be happy with Austin...God knows he treats me better...but the thing is...I don't know...all I can think about with Austin is how I wish Nick felt that way about me...and if he still does, that he treated me like that...cuz he used to...that's why I broke down last Wednesday at church. Everyone thinks I'm using Austin. I'm not, obviously, with all the stuff I said about him already. But...I'm afraid...what if I hurt him? He doesn't deserve it. He deserves to be with someone that can make him happy. If a guy can't make me happy, then I wouldn't genuinely be able to make them happy...cuz I wouldn't fall in love with them...and Austin...what if he does? Then it makes everything harder...

We've gotten to that point where you talk about a lot of random crap and I 3-way'd him and Twitch so he's best-friend-approved. And she knows exactly where I'm coming from (see Judgemental Bitches on my Controversiality and My Opinions Blog: http://www.iwillnotkeepmythoughtstomyself.blogspot.com/) and where the pet names (I.E. babe, hun, honey...but just those) take part. It's weird...not like uncomfortable, really...but, like...the pet names never made me blush or giggle like a total girl except with Nick. We used ALL of them. But not like the embarrasing ones. The normal ones (I.E. babe, baby, darlin, hun, honey, love...I think that's it) and it feels weird for me to call anyone but him that.

Yes, I've dated guys since Nick, but he was my first and longest REAL relationship and we got somewhat serious...not like talking MARRIAGE but STILL. My commitment issues refuse to let me contemplate that far ahead. It would not end well. Either I'd get my hopes up, or I'd dread it. And, with my luck, the opposite of what I want would happen as is usually the case with him...I don't understand how I still feel so strongly about someone who feels like...a dream...like...an imaginary friend I guess...a dilusion...hallucination...this is what happens when I've been away from him for too long. And then I doubt my feelings. They turn to hate or indifference. But it lasts about 10 minutes and then I realize I was just being stupid...I don't know. I need TV. Read the random shit below.






There used to be so much love

In this heart for you...

Now it's about

Halfway drained

And refilling itself with hate...

I never wanted to hate you...

I never thought it was

Possible to hate you...

I loved you too much...

Why can't I just be happy

With what I have?

When you get a taste

Of the best thing-

The only thing

In the whole world

That you could ever want-

How could you go back

To still searching

For The One

When you've found him

And can't have him?

I'm so confused

Because I never thought

I could love

Like I loved you.

You changed my life.

You changed everything.

How am I

Supposed to be without you?

You were my whole life

My world

My air...

You wanted to make us work...

We could've....

We were meant for each other...

Supposed to be together...

How can you lose something like that?

When perfect for each other

Means disaster waiting to happen...

Then you know the world

Is on it's way to hell.

Might as well throw a party.