Note to Dad

You guys know a good deal about me up to this point. As I said before, you'll find out about my dad later. It's later. Me and my dad aren't exactly "close". He thinks I'm selfish and conceited and shallow and that all that matters to me is myself and nick. Which- to an extent- he's right. Nick is my world. Dad can't insult me by saying that I care about Nick more than anything. It's true. As far as being selfish, that's his opinion, which I stopped caring about a long time ago.

I live with my mom now. I love my mommy. Dad thinks she treats me like I'm her favorite and my sisters are just there. But he's a dumbshit so who cares what he thinks? You want the full list? Comment and ask for it if you're that curious. If not, it'll be in my book. If you wanna see progress on my book, check out my other blog:   allieblog2.blogspot    it's the same account as this one, just a seperate blog.

I was feeling compelled to write about my dad. Generally, I just feel like he's not on my mind enough to write about. That I really don't care enough to have him take any part whatsoever in my poems. But I'm making an exception. For this, and for one other called Hey Dad.

And while we're at it, let's turn this into a venting thing. If you have anything you need to get off your chest about your parents or another family member, feel free to vent here. Just comment and vent. I may start another blog called Ask Allie because I'm generally really good at giving advice. The problem being this: It's a blog. You have to have entries before you have comments...who knows. Maybe we'll prevent homicide. Joking. Unless, you know, it really keeps you from committing a homicide in which case...yay.




There are so many things
I wish I would've said.
I wish I'd given you
More than a piece of my mind.
You left me.
A little kid.
When I didn't understand.
But all I knew
Was that you weren't there.
What's my problem, dad?
What am I doing wrong?
Why do I hate you so much?
All you did was leave.
But you came back.
So that makes it okay that you
Missed most of my childhood?
And I have a problem?
So it wasn't your fault?
Who are you gonna blame now?
My mom was always there.
She was always around.
I was old enough to remember?
All I remember is you being gone
And when you were home
Avoiding me.
I remember you always mad.
I remember mom crying.
I remember feeling like you didn't
Want me.
It was never because of mom.







It usually takes a LOT before I can open up about my family. This is not even scratching the surface. But I still feel...exposed. Like I have kept a secret from the world, but now everyone can see. I don't wanna be hated or make anyone upset. I write what I feel. My dad, basically, kicked me out. He said that I obviously don't wanna be there, so don't come back. As a little kid, all I remember was him being in his room all the time and only coming out for dinner or for yelling at us if we did something wrong. I remember that just about every night we had what mom called "Girl's Night" which meant that dad wouldn't be home that night, so we would make a huge palat of quilts and chairs and eat junk food and watch movies until we all passed out. My dad would get mad if we did it when he was home. I remember every night I would read to my sisters until they fell asleep because dad would be mad if we were awake past bed time. I remember mama crying every night that he was home. He would yell at her, which is why I made sure my sisters were asleep. I waited til he went to bed, then I'd go sit with Mama til she stopped crying.

Whenever I talk about this to anybody, he would be furious and say I don't know what I'm talking about. But I kept journals when I was little. I remember a lot. I remember a couple times when mama woke us up late at night cuz we had to go pick dad up from his friend's house cuz mama said "He drank too much Mellow Yellow."

And what I remember from recent things is everything he has called me over the last year or two. He said I have a manipulation game going on with my mom. He said I spread my poisonous lies. He said I try to turn him and Stephanie (my stepmom who's 14 years older than me) against each other. He says all the time that I think the world revolves around me. He said I use my sisters as my "entourage" and I don't care about my brother. He calls me a child. He says Hannah (8-year-old step-sister who's irritating as fuck and flirts with Nick) is more mature than I am. He says I don't know anything about love and no church I go to can help me because I have an evil heart (actually, that one was Stephanie who said it). He said I'm not as smart as I think I am. He said I'm lazy.

I once told Nick in a note that my dad thinks that I'm a whore. And in the same note I said that my dad is stupid for thinking that me being in love with Nick is just a little crush. (Nick laughed his ass off over that). But I said the whore part 3 times. I said the stupid part once. My dad found the note and flipped shit over being called stupid.

Gets better. My dad has threatened multiple times that I'll never see Nick again. He's said that he'll call the school and make sure I don't have any classes with him or run into him in the hallway, he's threatened to send me to an all-girl's private school, he was gonna try to get mom on his side so he could cut my phone off. Don't mess with a whipped bitch, daddy. There's always loopholes.