Scared

Not much to say about this that I didn't say in the last post.





I tore out my heart
Let it rip from my chest
Watched it bleed on a page
That you would soon forget.

I snatched out my heart
How could you not see
That all this time along
It's always been me?

I've always been
The one for you.
It's always been you and me.
How can you suddenly be so blind
And unable to see

What's been right here in front of you all along
Pining and dying inside?
Waiting for the day when you'll wake up
And see all these things that I hide.

Write it all down
Pour it all out
Into a poem or song
All of these things
Straight from this heart
Which has beated for you
For this long.

But where are you now
When I need you the most?
Crying and pining for HER?
Why do you see what's just not there?
Are you really that scared?

A Last Note

I'm gonna have more short notes today again...I'm missing Vintage tonight cuz I can't get a ride and Nick called me...we didn't have a lot to say, but he was attempting to change out of his tripps into something church-appropriate (he has church on Wednesdays too...). He was also playing with his slinky and his brother's Samuri sword...guys, being away from him drives me crazy...we could've worked this time...I can feel it...

I wrote this the same time I wrote Bottled Up, Scared, and It's Always Been You. I haven't posted the last two yet. I'm going to after this.

Basically, on the last day of school, I gave him a note pouring every inch of my heart out to him. Everything I ever hid from him...every feeling I had towards him...everything. And how much I still wanted him and that being away from him drove me crazy...I wanted him to know in case I didn't see him again...I love him...




"Some things are better left unsaid"
I don't believe that's true
I could never live with myself a day
If I hadn't told you...

I needed you to know
Every word that I said,
I had to try to show
All of the thoughts buzzing thru my head
I didn't want to go
And leave a part of me behind.
I needed you to know
Had to let you inside my mind.

"Some things are better left unsaid"
I guess sometimes that's true...
But when it's something in your heart,
You have to let it through.

I know I couldn't take it if
The moment passed me by.
I swear I wouldn't change it
If it meant I could say goodbye...

I know now what I should've said before
Everything I had to say...
I'm just glad that now you know
The way I've felt every day.

Each minute I've spent with you
Is another wish come true.
"Some things are better left unsaid."
Not when it's "I love you..."

Bottled Up

I wrote Poem 24 for Ivey. She was in a dark place and Nick was the only one I ever wrote for. I don't have it anymore. I only had one copy

When I wrote this, I thought it was gonna be the last time I ever saw him...I moved away in May and it was the last day of school. I needed to write. To cope.

For the record, the original version of this poem was shaped like a bottle. I can't guaruntee I'm capable of doing that via keyboard...




                                                                                 So
                                                                                many
                                                                            things that
                                                                          needed to be
                                                                         said. So many
                                                                           things that I
                                                                         hide. So many
                                                                         feelings that I
                                                                      need to let go, but
                                                                     they stay bottled up
                                                                 inside. You were always
                                                                     the only one for me.
                                                                     The only one who'll
                                                                   ever be. Don't pretend
                                                                 that you don't care. Don't
                                                               just walk away. Don't make
                                                             me force this smile and pretend
                                                           to be okay. You know the one who
                                                          I need back. You know that side of you
                                                           The one who was always there when
                                                               it was just us two. But now you
                                                                keep him bottled up afraid to
                                                               let him go. I know these things
                                                                        keep inside that no
                                                                      one  else  can  know





So, maybe the bottle got ghetto stomped a few times....

Hey Dad

As I did before in Note to Dad I again attempted to express my feelings towards him into my poems. I'm not good at talking about my feelings. But I am good at reading people. Random fact. My dad is not exactly what one would call "proud" of me. If you want the details, read Note to Dad.

For the mentally slower than normal, this poem is pure sarcasm.




Hey dad
It's me again
I bet you wish that
I was so different
I bet you hope
I'll become who you
Want me to be

Hey dad
This is just who I am
I'm sorry to disappoint you
I'm not going anywhere

Hey dad
I know "I love you" is your favorite lie

Hey dad
I know I'm not good enough for you

Hey dad
That's okay
I don't wanna be
The girl you want me to

Hey dad
That's not me
It's you

Nameless

Hey everybody sorry I haven't posted in a while, I've been grounded for the last week and then the last couple days I've been working on my other blog. I haven't yet put up anything about the novel series I'm working on, but that's mainly because I just recently got my laptop back and I can only use it between 5 and 9 on weeknights now and 5 and 12 on weekends.

I wrote this about Nick. I can't remember why, though...I guess it's just that when you have trust and abandonment issues like me, and the people you trust just leave...it leaves you feeling exposed...like your dress just got ripped off at prom kinda exposed...well I wouldn't know what that felt like...if you know from experience, I am SOOO sorry. Sucks to be you.





For so long, I hid in the shadows.
I wanted to be alone.
You pulled me out into the open
And left me in the spotlight alone.
I stood there speechless with stage fright
And couldn't remember my name
Lights all around shining so bright
I didn't know you were just a game.

I play my guitar
And sing out my heart
And every song reminds me of you

Stand in the dark
Remember the scars
From everything you put me through

You left me alone and
Struggling to move on
All the time calling your name
Where did you go
When I needed you the most?
I'm falling in love with you
All over again
Though you're just pretend

I sink back into my shadow
After being knocked off my pedestal
You swear you didn't mean it
But sorry doesn't cut it this time





Yeah, everyone, I won't have many side comments tonight. I'm having one of those moods where you're just really really emotional and you have no clue why.

I know why. There is something I know that could hurt someone I love, but it hurts her more if she doesn't find out. And her seemingly perfect boyfriend who just broke up with her isn't gonna tell her. He broke up with Sami 3 or 4 weeks ago. But there's something I know that she doesn't. And either him or Ivey needs to tell her. It's not my place to say because I'm not involved, but Ivey told me, and I'm the only one who knows besides Ivey and Garrett.

At this point, it's kinda obvious. You guys know I'm amazing at keeping secrets, but I spill out my guts to all of you because no one involved will see it therefore preventing me from making a mistake. You all should know at this point that Nick is a band geek (a sexy one) and so are Ivey and Garrett.

Know what...it'll go in my book. Read it in my other blog in the next week or two.

Note to Dad

You guys know a good deal about me up to this point. As I said before, you'll find out about my dad later. It's later. Me and my dad aren't exactly "close". He thinks I'm selfish and conceited and shallow and that all that matters to me is myself and nick. Which- to an extent- he's right. Nick is my world. Dad can't insult me by saying that I care about Nick more than anything. It's true. As far as being selfish, that's his opinion, which I stopped caring about a long time ago.

I live with my mom now. I love my mommy. Dad thinks she treats me like I'm her favorite and my sisters are just there. But he's a dumbshit so who cares what he thinks? You want the full list? Comment and ask for it if you're that curious. If not, it'll be in my book. If you wanna see progress on my book, check out my other blog:   allieblog2.blogspot    it's the same account as this one, just a seperate blog.

I was feeling compelled to write about my dad. Generally, I just feel like he's not on my mind enough to write about. That I really don't care enough to have him take any part whatsoever in my poems. But I'm making an exception. For this, and for one other called Hey Dad.

And while we're at it, let's turn this into a venting thing. If you have anything you need to get off your chest about your parents or another family member, feel free to vent here. Just comment and vent. I may start another blog called Ask Allie because I'm generally really good at giving advice. The problem being this: It's a blog. You have to have entries before you have comments...who knows. Maybe we'll prevent homicide. Joking. Unless, you know, it really keeps you from committing a homicide in which case...yay.




There are so many things
I wish I would've said.
I wish I'd given you
More than a piece of my mind.
You left me.
A little kid.
When I didn't understand.
But all I knew
Was that you weren't there.
What's my problem, dad?
What am I doing wrong?
Why do I hate you so much?
All you did was leave.
But you came back.
So that makes it okay that you
Missed most of my childhood?
And I have a problem?
So it wasn't your fault?
Who are you gonna blame now?
My mom was always there.
She was always around.
I was old enough to remember?
All I remember is you being gone
And when you were home
Avoiding me.
I remember you always mad.
I remember mom crying.
I remember feeling like you didn't
Want me.
It was never because of mom.







It usually takes a LOT before I can open up about my family. This is not even scratching the surface. But I still feel...exposed. Like I have kept a secret from the world, but now everyone can see. I don't wanna be hated or make anyone upset. I write what I feel. My dad, basically, kicked me out. He said that I obviously don't wanna be there, so don't come back. As a little kid, all I remember was him being in his room all the time and only coming out for dinner or for yelling at us if we did something wrong. I remember that just about every night we had what mom called "Girl's Night" which meant that dad wouldn't be home that night, so we would make a huge palat of quilts and chairs and eat junk food and watch movies until we all passed out. My dad would get mad if we did it when he was home. I remember every night I would read to my sisters until they fell asleep because dad would be mad if we were awake past bed time. I remember mama crying every night that he was home. He would yell at her, which is why I made sure my sisters were asleep. I waited til he went to bed, then I'd go sit with Mama til she stopped crying.

Whenever I talk about this to anybody, he would be furious and say I don't know what I'm talking about. But I kept journals when I was little. I remember a lot. I remember a couple times when mama woke us up late at night cuz we had to go pick dad up from his friend's house cuz mama said "He drank too much Mellow Yellow."

And what I remember from recent things is everything he has called me over the last year or two. He said I have a manipulation game going on with my mom. He said I spread my poisonous lies. He said I try to turn him and Stephanie (my stepmom who's 14 years older than me) against each other. He says all the time that I think the world revolves around me. He said I use my sisters as my "entourage" and I don't care about my brother. He calls me a child. He says Hannah (8-year-old step-sister who's irritating as fuck and flirts with Nick) is more mature than I am. He says I don't know anything about love and no church I go to can help me because I have an evil heart (actually, that one was Stephanie who said it). He said I'm not as smart as I think I am. He said I'm lazy.

I once told Nick in a note that my dad thinks that I'm a whore. And in the same note I said that my dad is stupid for thinking that me being in love with Nick is just a little crush. (Nick laughed his ass off over that). But I said the whore part 3 times. I said the stupid part once. My dad found the note and flipped shit over being called stupid.

Gets better. My dad has threatened multiple times that I'll never see Nick again. He's said that he'll call the school and make sure I don't have any classes with him or run into him in the hallway, he's threatened to send me to an all-girl's private school, he was gonna try to get mom on his side so he could cut my phone off. Don't mess with a whipped bitch, daddy. There's always loopholes.

I Told You So

I wrote this in attempt to ignore my dad on the way to lunch. There's not much meaning behind it except that it's about Nick. OH!! I remember this. Mkay this was when we were still being...curious...and I told Ivey that I wouldn't be even considering anything if I didn't genuinely believe that he was the one that I was meant to be with. And I told him that because me and Ivey had this long, deep, bawling discussion about it (while I was wearing his jacket weirdly enough) but I wrote down the texts to give to him so he could see it. He needed to know. I had to tell him. He didn't really say anything about it at first- he usually doesn't- but the next fight we had, it got brought up and he didn't think he was. Read through to the end. I was irritated when I wrote this, BTW.





So I guess you're still in denial.
That's cool, and I'm okay.
And I guess you still think you're right
No need to fight about it anyway

Can't wait to say I told you so,
And that you can never get away.
There's no point in running now.
You can never escape the fate.

You're mine now.
It's written on your heart
And running through your veins.
I don't know how
You could be so cruel
To walk away
But I'll say
I'll say
I'll say it again
There's no way
No way
That this is all pretend
I can't wait
Can't wait
Cuz this is not the end.
I thought I told you so.




I think that was an attempted song.....uhh.....hmm.....well, I was right though :) And that's not what he was afraid of. He was afraid of the intimacy and lack of self-control that goes along with it. We already had enough issues with that....and why did I write that shit so gorey??? XP

Nick's poem (the one from facebook)

In my poem Waiting, I told you guys about a poem Nick had written about me on Facebook. Now that I've gotten my shit in order, I can show y'all the poem he wrote cuz it almost made me cry.





i love you..........


I LOVE YOU..........now and forever. It's always been there, just sometimes starving and sometimes dying from disregard. I say that I hate you, but that was never true. If I hated you, I hate a part of myself. This love is crashing like a tidal wave. Say hello to the new me. I fall asleep from your lipstick lullabies so easily. I wanna know why......







There was another poem he wrote for me. Before this. In response to the ones he'd found that I'd written. Yes, he had added on to that one, but he'd also written back. It didn't have a title, but it was...perfect. He has a way of always bringing tears when he writes to me. He's gotten a couple published. Not the ones to me, though. They're mine.




Whenever I see you sitting there
Thinking about me
I shed a silent tear or two
Cause we think that we can't be.

We think about the past
So in the future we learn
That I never meant to lose you
Or make you hurt deeply.

I wanna say I'm sorry
And mean it sincerely
But no words form upon my tongue
To say this simple phrase.




Can I just say that if you're reading this, I love you. Always. And also I'm all teary-eyed right now haha..I need a life.

Untitled

My bad, people, this was supposed to be number 16 but I accidentally skipped it. Um...I remember this very well...I don't remember what was going on at the time. I remember Nick had been freaking out that day because his hair was flippier in the back than usual. Or at least HE thought so. It looked like it always did: dark brown and wavy. Kinda shaggy, but not too long. It hit at the beauty mark he has on the middle of the back of his neck (that sounds weird, but it's actually kinda cute haha). So when I make a referrence to that (the hair) don't be surprised. I did it as an insider. Not because of a lack of adjectives.





He's got the
Big bright smile
And the sparkley brown eyes
And made me feel pretty
For once in my life
I've never been used
To doing something right
Til I got you
He's got the cutest laugh
And the flippy brown hair
And all I can really
Ever do is stare
But I can't let him see.
He's so smart
And knows just what to say
He's the only guy
Who could ever make me
Feel this way
He's the brightest spot
In the middle of my day
But I let him go
Why did I let him slip away?
We're running out of time...
He used to be mine.

Scars

I just figured out why Milky was being all quiet :/ I'm sorry sweetie and when you see this, cuz I know you will, I LOVE YOU!!!!!!! He's my brother. At least, we call each other brother and sister. Just like Nick's little brother calls me his big sister :) oh, come on, you didn't seriously expect him to NOT get mentioned, did you?

Again: I can't remember why I wrote this.




So, what is there
That I can really say?
I can't make excuses
For feeling this way.
I can't pretend
That you're not the center of my day.
I can't describe what it's like
For you to feel so far away.
You're sitting right beside me
Yet we're just so far apart.
You used to see right through me
But you ignore my broken heart.
It pains you to see me
Like this: falling all apart.
You don't understand why
I'm covered up with scars.
You ripped apart what I had left.
Tore my heart into shreds.
Yet you can't stand the sight
Of your own handiwork?
Do I make you sick?
Do I disgust you now?
Do you hate me?
Would you leave me now?
Or try to change me?
These feelings like I've never felt...
It's love and hate.
It makes me sick.





I honestly can't remember why I wrote that. At all. Um...I remember it but I don't remember why...

Where Do I Go?

So I told Milky about my blog earlier and he randomly stopped textin me. IDK if that means he found it, or if it means he's distracted. Guess we'll find out later.

Anyway, I actually don't remember anything about this poem...I don't even remember writing it...but I know I did...is that weird? Oh well.





Why is it times like these
That always make me think of you?
When everything is all wrong
I can only remember how much I love you.
And it becomes so real again.
When I'm happy,
It's all your fault.
When I'm sad,
You're my best friend.
When I'm angry,
You let me vent.
When I want you,
You try to be there for me.
But when you're gone,
Who do I turn to?
When I miss you the most
Where am I supposed to go?
When I cry over you,
Who dries my tears?
When I'm lonely
And I just need you to be near...
Where do I go?
That's when I need you the most...





I just noticed this. A lot of the lines of my poems start with the letter W.

Heart's Not Breaking

I was having one of my many moments where I stop and medititate on my inward self. Who I am. What I know. Where I've been. Where I'm going. What I've learned. I wrote about love because I've learned the most from it.





Love is such a strange thing.
It opens your eyes to new possibilities
But it closes them to some realities.
It changes the way you see things.
It alters your judgement.
It makes you look past flaws
And not want to change their imperfections.
It's an unquenchable fire.
A persistant need.
It's like a natural high.
It makes you do some crazy things.
You love being around them.
You light up just at the thought of them.
And when they're not with you,
Knowing you'll see them is what keeps you going.
It makes you excited to get up in the mornings.
But if you lose them
It's like getting your soul ripped out.
They're both the best and worst things
That've ever happened to you.
It leaves you with an aching gap.
A hole in your heart.
It's like being lit on fire
And trying to hide it.
An axe in your head
But saying you're okay.
Sometimes you have to just hold back the tears,
Smile, and pretend like your heart's not breaking
                    </3

Don't Let Him See

I wrote this when the Brit thing started over the 2nd time. I was trying to force myself to be over him. I had all of these thoughts shooting through my head of things that I was telling myself that seemed to be working. I wrote this about it.





Don't say you want him.
Don't say you need him.
Don't say you love him...
Put on a smile.
Laugh like crazy.
Don't think about him.
Ban him from your mind.
Flirt with new guys.
Find someone else.
Try to be happy.
Don't let him make you hurt.
Don't let him break your heart.
Don't cry.
Block it all out.
Be with your friends.
Meet someone new.
Do something a little crazy.
Please don't let this get to you.
Don't say no one can replace him.
And don't let him see.........

Waiting

Nick and I had had a HUGE fight. He'd written this poem about me on his facebook status saying how much he loved me and shit but then like an hour later we were SCREAMING at each other. That's what happens when slutty bitches go after your man, ladies. We get pissed. It has since occured to me, however, the men don't like it when we CONFRONT the slutty bitch and TELL her the way it is. I was upset because THIS was the only time he'd EVER said he felt like it was more of an infatuation that he had with me than it was that he loved me. He changed his mind after reading this. I put mine up on Facebook as well. Cuz imma smart ass.





We want who don't want us.
We love who don't love us.
We chase who don't want us.
We want who don't chase us.

We care for those who don't give a crap,
We love those who don't love us back
We hurt for those who just don't care
We know it won't get anywhere.

Why is it that we stick around
And hope that soon they'll come around?
Maybe soon they'll change their mind...
Meanwhile we just wait...

It probably won't happen.
We don't expect it to.
There's this one thing we can't make change
"I can't stop loving you..."

Hi, My Name Is: Depressed As Fuck.

I wrote this the same time I wrote the last couple. He was convinced he was in love with this girl, and being his best friend, I had to hear about it Every. Freakin. Day. I didn't come up with the title to it until yesterday, though. I just kinda put some random shit for the title.





I didn't wanna wake up this morning
Stupid snooze button wouldn't stay down
I didn't wanna have to come today
And see your face
It's funny what you do to me
Tho I don't seem to care
It's funny how you break my heart
But all I do is stare
It's weird that I can't get enough
Of my nightmare come true
The strangest part about it all
Is how much I'm in love with you
I really wish I just knew how
You do these things to me
Maybe then I'd know how
To make my heart not bleed
For you it seems that my heart beats
It skips when you're around
And even when I think of you
It just begins to pound
Yet here I am desperate for
A chance with someone else
Maybe this time I'll get real love
Someone to make me like myself
The way you treated me was unfair
Expecting me to wait for you
We both know somewhere inside
I will always love you
But now, my love, it's time for me
To find somebody new
Someone who'll love me the way
I always wanted you to
Someone who would hold me close
And not care if someone saw
Someone who might take your place
And get me thru this all






I mentioned in one of my previous entries that Nick and I have dated other people. I was talking to a guy at this point because Nick was talking to a couple girls, and I really liked the guy and he'd been in a similar situation as I had. So he understood how I felt. And he made me laugh and would talk to me every night until I fell asleep. But Nick still felt the need to catch me off guard with hot spots that he knew of. So I told him I was kinda seeing someone. He pretty much had always hated him since.

Don't Go

This was my first attempt to get back into writing songs again. It was a flop but it worked as a poem. I guess it's just easier to write chord progressions on guitar than it is to write emotions and thought and feelings into words that are...intense enough to describe them. Sometimes words and feelings don't match up.





What do you want me to do?
What do you want me to say?
How am I s'posed to move on
When nothing's okay?

I'm picking up the pieces
You left behind.
I just don't understand
Why you changed your mind

What made you say
You don't love me anymore?
And that it's not the same way
That it was before?

Baby, don't leave me.
Don't leave me again.
Hold me in your arms
The way that you did.
Baby, stay with me
And never leave again.
Just promise me one thing:
Please don't let this be the end.

Don't go
Please don't walk out the door
Come home
How could you not love me anymore?
Don't go
Baby just come home
Don't go
Baby don't walk out the door






I was at a loss for words because that was the only time he had EVER told me that he didn't love me anymore. He more recently told me he lied. Also, on my last post, I meant to explain him dating Brit NOW. He was afraid we'd have sex. That's pretty much it.

The Things That I Hide

I wrote this one specifically to give to Nick. As it turns out, we fought less when we expressed emotion through poems. Which sounds like a cheesey chick flick, but I'm being serious I swear. We'd been together for right at 3 years on/off (if you haven't figured THAT part out yet). And there was this girl, Brit. She went to his church (He's Latter Day Saints) and she had classes with him in school and she'd never met me before. I'm sorry. I'm gonna get a bit...angry and depressed at the same time over this because as of a couple weeks ago, they're dating again. I'll give my explanation for that at the end.

Let's start with this. Nick's parents don't want him dating until he turns 16 (this upcoming March 23rd) and they didn't know about me. He used to do alot of stupid stuff and they didn't know about it. And we got...curious as a couple. We didn't DO anything...but we talked about it. Until my dad found the notes.

My dad, as you will find, is an uptight asshole. Nick's mom...I love his mom to death. She worries about him. Mostly because of his older brother......he'd be SOOO pissed at me for saying all of this on the internet......but he's not gonna see it and neither is anyone who KNOWS me or anyone that anything on My Blog relates to, so what difference does it make? My Blog is about me. And because it's about me, it involves him too. But there's not gonna be trouble over it.

Anyway, after my dad flipped major shit, Nick's mom found the rest of them. She found the worse ones: less sexual, but not less suggestive. And more about the things HE has done. And she didn't know that I was the girl from the notes. SO she had cried and he felt like crap but he didn't want to end things with us either. At the same time, he didn't wanna hurt anyone anymore. So we broke up. He went for 2 months sticking to not having a girlfriend because he wanted to do the right thing for his parents and wait til he was 16. But Brit happened. Little Bitch. So I wrote this.





Why are things always confusing?
Is there a simpler way?
Afraid to express how I'm feeling
Cuz I'm the one who made things this way.

I can't find the words to say this
So I'll just say what I can
Everything about this hurts like hell
But I need him to be happy.

I want to be the one who's there
Whenever he needs me around
But I guess he doesn't need me
If I'm replaceable.

I'm afraid to lose him
And afraid to tell him
Cuz I don't want him to see me hurt

I wish I knew how to let him know
But it all remains trapped inside.
These are the things that I hide...

Homesick

This one is the one that Nick and I so to speak wrote together. But I didn't put it into my poetry journal, so let's see if I can remember it.





Whenever he's not here,
I'm homesick.

When she's not here,
I hurt.

And when we're not together,
It feels like ragnarok:
The death of the world.




Score 1 for Allie!! I remembered!! And oh, my God that almost made me cry haha. I'm sorry, you would have to know Nick personally to understand why it makes me emotional despite it's simplicity. It's just like him to make a Ragnarok reference. He feels smart by talking about things that I've never heard of hehe.

Strung Along

This is the second poem that Nick found. He found this along with Say You Love Me and one other that we never came up with a title for...I think I'll call it Homesick. But, yeah, umm....I was at my great grandmother's house when I wrote all of them and I missed him like freakin crazy so I wanted to write because it was comforting. But I didn't have my poetry journal so I put them into my Notepad on my cell phone. Nick was hanging on to my phone for me the next week and it didn't occur to me that they were still on there until AFTER he found them. I was like...embarassed to the point of speachlessness. But because of the fact that he's Nick, he was all ego-trippin over it and he was being sweet and encouraging and shit which was strange because I'd expected him to be like...weirded out. But he actually LIKED them. So, this is the second one. It was an attempt at a song but I decided to leave it a poem.






What does it take to make it?
What declares that love is true?
Is this a mistake that I'm making?
Tho I don't regret it with you...

How many clouds in the sky and
How many rocks on the shore?
Scratched up on my knees
And begging you please
Cuz I just can't take any more.

Some say love
Love is a river
Sometimes you'll get carried away
Some say love, love, love
Love is a shelter
It's what brightens your day
And it makes everything okay

Through all of the things that you're saying
How much of these words are true?
Down on my knees and I'm praying
Cuz I just can't stop loving you





I think that's the one that made him cry. He read them in order, so...

Say You Love Me

Okay, as I said in a previous entry, Nick was the first person to EVER see anything I wrote. This was the first real poem I wrote and I wrote it about him. He found this one and two others which I'll post after this. The third one I had started but didn't finish and he added onto it so I guess you could say we wrote it together, but I'm putting that up in a bit. I have two for before that. The two I wrote almost made him cry. Because this was the first time he'd ever seen this side of me. I had never opened up to him in this way before and he didn't know I wrote. And he knew I had these feelings about him, but I hadn't voiced them in this way. And having to be sensitive and manly at the same time, he underlined the word "almost" about 9 times. He really liked them. He wanted to see my others. But as you all have seen, the ones prior to this have all pretty much sucked. I'll probably show it to him later on...and you'll all be the first to find out :) But for now, he's only seen a couple. This is the first.






He is like nothing I've ever known
Taking chances like I've never done
And I can't even breathe
If I can't feel you next to me.

Breaks my heart just to watch me fall
Everyone sees we've been through it all
But I can't let go
And I won't move on

And I've tried
So many times
To get you out of my head
But there's no turning back now.

Every day
Gets a little bit longer
Every minute
Gets a little but harder
Cuz you aren't here
And I'm not there, no.
Every time that I try to trust you
Breaks my heart just a little more in two
Because I know
That you'll go, oh
So say you love me

Meant To Be

I know the titles are kinda giving away the gist...jist...however you spell it...of the poems. This one, honest to God, almost landed me a record deal. But my mom lost the guy's number. I wrote this in the August of  '09 and everyone I showed it to liked it. Which was weird. It sounds better with my guitar, but it actually works as a poem too. Umm...I hadn't seen Nick for 3 months when I wrote this and school started back so I had 3 classes with him at that point (our schedules changed later so we only had 1st period) but I was happy. Cuz I'd missed him...





Every tear I cried
Helped me to realize
What I'm living without.

Endlessly searching for these
Pieces of me
That've been scattered around.

What happens when your world comes
Crashing down right in front of you?
What if the only way out is
Back the way you just came in through?

You seem so low
Come on, get higher.
Don't you know
You're my desire?
Just take a step back
And maybe then you'll see
Some things are meant to be.

There's no doubt about it
I can't live without you
Can't explain just how I feel...
Wrap my arms around you;
Pull me closer to you.
Guess this is how you know that we
Are meant to be...





I took a lot of material out of that when I was changing it to a poem. I'd rather not play it publicly though...my front yard is as public as I intend to get besides the local parks. And friend's houses. And my youth group if I go through with it.

For those of you who don't know this, I'm Assemblies of God. If you don't know what that is, it's the largest branch of the Pentecostal church. But we're not the ones that the term "Pentecostal" is identified with. "Pentecostal" has become a steriotype. They're considered the psycho church who dance with snakes and become possessed by the Holy Spirit and speak in tongues.

That is a completely different branch of Pentecostal. Assemblies of God speaks in tongue on occassion, but it's actually pretty cool. The different tongues are Arabic, Aramaic, Hebrew, Latin, and Greek. I wanna learn all of them. Latin is surprisingly easy to learn.

What the Assemblies of God church IS is that we're the ones with the hands up who sing and dance like crazy people and have a fully decked out praise team. And when I say fully decked out, I mean drums, bass, acoustic guitar, electric guitar, acoustic-electric guitar, keyboard, 2 backup singers, lead vocals, an electric effects pedal, and everyone on stage dancing with all the audience in front of the stage dancing and singing along. It's amazing. You get on a spiritual high. We're the ones crying for the whole 2 hours.

At my particular church, it's practically run by the youth. there's 1-3 things open 6 days out of the week specifically for youth. We also have fall and summer camps and Fine Arts which Danny, my youth pastor, says I absolutely MUST do. I love my church. Unfortunately, we moved about an hour away in May so, until I get my license in February, I can only go to my youth group once every other Wednesday. Which sucks because...have you felt like you can't cry anywhere but one place? That's my one place. So either I break down, or I dance. All over the gym. And I am NOT a good dancer. At all.

More Than Words

Hey you guys. So I'm kinda picking up where I left off yesterday. Before I get started, I just wanna say that today is Ivey's birthday and she's turning 15. On my other blog, you'll see more about her and about Nick because as I said on there, I'm attempting to write a novel series and you guys will see bits and pieces on there. I can't say what characters represent who, but I'm looking for fake names for these characters with meanings that describe the personalities of these people. But most names have more Biblical meanings. And while that's great and all, I want something that represents the character themself.

Okay, this poem was originally a song, and it's also one of my older ones. I changed it to a poem, but I don't think I really added anything to it...I still had some stuff left over on the list from the last couple poems. This is another written out of boredom. The ones written from boredom, I'm not particularly proud of, but I wrote them because I hate writer's block with a passion and something is better than nothing because something can be tweaked.





My love,
Best of wishes
To you
My angel

True love;
May it find you
Someday
And may you not push it away

Cuz we've had our ups and downs just like
Everybody else,
And I wish I'd known before that this
Was how you felt...
How much I love you's indescribable,
And like I've said before,
That will never change,
And it'll take
More than words could ever say.

First love,
It's a funny thing.
How come
I can't make it change?

Why do
I still love you so
Though I
Had to let you go?

Don't take this wrong,
I want you to be happy.
But I need to be the one
To make it work...

You're spontaneous...
Unchangeable...
My love for you
Is unshakeable
It's unthinkable
It's unstoppable
And I can't let you go...
It's more than you'll ever know...

Lying Like An Angel

I wrote this the same time I wrote the last one. When I read this and I'm actually feeling these things I'm like "There is no way in hell I'd say that" soo yup. Also, just a random point, I'm also texting my friend Josh (AKA Milky; he hates it when I call him that XD) and so I just realized this. I REALLY like the word "bloggin'" and I have no earthly idea why. Just saying. This was originally a song. And I've got about...10 minutes to write it before I have to go to bed. It's Thursday.




I hope you sleep well tonight
Knowing that you broke my heart.
I hope your life treats you well
Even if we are apart.

I hope holding her's enough for you
Since you lost the best thing
And I hope to God the most
That you won't miss me...

Tears may fall from my face
But you will never see.

Because by daylight
I'll find a way
To erase you completely.
But by starlight
My heart still bleeds for you.....
Every single night
I'll pray for her:
That she won't have the same fate
That I did by believing in you
Because you lie like an angel...

I doubt I'll ever understand
So please don't try to explain
The inner workings of your mind...
How you just want to play games...

So what's your story now?
You say I deserve better than you?
Ain't that the truth...
What's it gonna take to change you?

Please don't try to make this right
Because it can't be undone.
I hope she makes you happy.
At least that will make one...
I'm sorry that you feel the need
To have the upper hand
I guess that's what happens
When we can't match up our plans




Okay, I feel the need to say this. I would never try to change anything about him ever. Also, if he was with someone besides me, I wouldn't be praying for her. I'd be threatening her life. I wrote this out of boredom. At the time, it wasn't accurate. That said, yes, we've dated other people. Mine were all flops. His were friends of mine. Except some of them. As I said already, we do NOT have the perfect "relationship". And also, I hate the word "relationship". And I love the word "bloggin'".

I Can't Stay Away

So, I keep looking at these things over and over and I'm wondering if I actually TALK like that...I'm not one to share my feelings very openly. I have to trust you beyond belief if I tell you how I feel. And in my later poems, I find better ways to express it. My poems that I particularly like that I'll post later are I Did, Incomplete, Scared, and A Last Note. Those were written within the last 5 months, so they're much better than the ones I'm posting now. But as I said, I have 41 poems that I've kept up with for the last...5 or 6 years and one of those is missing. I wrote it for my friend Ivey. She's basically my sister. Just...unbiologically. She's the kinda friend that's so close, you practically share a bloodline with her. For those with a weak stomach, it's a metaphor. It's not to be taken literally. I wrote this about Nick out of pure boredom. I was like, "Hmm...I think I'll write a song" and I made a list of words that I wanted to put in it. So, you've been warned.




There's something magical
About the games you always play,
But it doesn't matter
Cuz I love you anyway...

You're the only thing I wish for
On every night star,
But it never really seems
To get me very far...

There's something beautiful
About the way you say my name
And when you look at me,
It makes me feel so safe.

But this security
Is so sickening
Because I know you're just pretend.
So why do I come back for more in the end?

So, you take my hand
There's something
Enchanting in your spell...
You know me too well...

I thought you were mine
Always and forever
But now I know
You were just putting on a show

Why are you my only desire?
Why do you always inspire me?
You're a mystery.
My only dream.
So why can I see
It so clearly?
You never were my destiny...

What is it about you?
It's irresistable...unpredictable...
I can feel you in my veins...
I can't stay away...




NO LAUGHING!! I know it's terrible. But you were warned :P Needless to say, I wrote a lot about heartbreak and shit. The more recent ones are 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 times better. Is that even a comprehendable number...? O.o

All The King's Horses (I COULDN'T THINK OF ANOTHER NAME AT THE TIME, OKAY?!)

Also about Nick. I was having mixed up feelings at this point. You'd have to understand mine and his relationship in order to get it. We'd been a "couple" a few times at that point. We've been on/off the last 3 years, so most of my poems are about him. Actually, 34/41 of my poems are about him and 3 that aren't make an indirect reference to him. So He'll come up alot. So, I'm pretty sure by now, mixed signals are pretty much world famous, right? Okay, so then you may be able to relate. I'm not particularly proud of this one...it worked much better as a song (I play guitar and a little piano). Note: When I change my songs to poems from songs, I take out some of what was in it as a song, so it's editted.




Looking back on yesterday
All the dreams I tried to escape
Are haunting me.

I'm lost without the love in your eyes
Whenever you pass me by
And I can't breathe.

When it's all falling apart,
I can't turn to you
For you to take me in your arms

Because it's too late
For all the king's horses
Too late, already on my own.
Can't wait for you to say I'm worth it
And pick back up where we left off.
No more tears for me to cry
Cuz I'll have you back in my arms

My memories will never fade
I'll keep wishing for yesterday
Poisoned by your tainted love
My dreams will never be enough

Guess this is how Ms Independent
Figured out that she needed you
I'm not gonna cry because you're not worth it
It may be a while but I'll have you
If I'm supposed to.




Wow...you guys have to remember that I haven't looked at these in like...a really long time. And I'm used to writing the way I do now. These kinda suck by comparison.

Heartless

So, I actually do not remember what was going on at this point...all I remember is that it was a Nick thing and a 'he had a girlfriend' thing. This was a bit longer into out relationship...if you could call it that at that point...we were both still new to it. To each other I mean. Well...yeah. And he was my first boyfriend, so I was sorta...engrossed. But in my defense, he liked that haha. As you'll see, after I let my writing be just poems, it got a lot better because I was less limited in rhyme scheme. Poems can be written in prose. This was originally a song, so it's mildly all over the place, but my poems get more and more emotional. Unless I wrote from boredom. Which you'll see.




Wasted tears
Lonely nights
So close
Yet so far away

All my life
I'll love no one
But you

Worthless pain
From this gaping hole
In my heart

I knew all along
But I'm not that strong
I fell for you
And now I'm done

Shattered heart
I've cried out all my tears
I gave you everything
But you're still not here
So much time
I could've had but lost
In your eyes
And now I'll pay the cost
Guess that's what I get
For falling for the heartless

Sick of all
The false hope
Holding on to
What's not there

Thought that I
Needed you
But I guess I knew
All along...

I want you back...
But I can't get hurt again
And you don't need me

But I won't cave
And I won't plead
For you to
Come back to me

Guess you'll have to learn
The hard way
That you gave up
On the best thing.




I think this was when him and Amanda (Mandi, a chick friend of mine) were breaking up and he came running straight to me. Lemme explain Mandi. She didn't know me til after they dated. Now we're a lot closer than we were then and she's with a good guy friend of mine, Austin (AKA Stag) and they're gonna be together forever. The end.

Don't Tell Me

Okay, this was the first poem I wrote about Nick. And I know I always start my blogs out with "okay". Habit. But this is much better than the last two. I swear. At this point, he had a girlfriend and I was upset because I was beginning to fall for him...really hard...and I could feel it and I couldn't stop it, but he would always say "I love you" and I had no clue at that point in what way he meant it. This also was originally a song and so it's got semi-trippy stanzas. Note: my blog will not ONLY be my poems. I'm just getting them all put out first.





Is it someone's fault
That I'm in so deep?
Who am I to blame
Because I can't breathe?

How many phrases can
I find to say
Those three small words
That don't seem to change

Anything?
Anything at all?

Don't tell me
You love me until you mean it
Don't mess with my head
Or my heart
Or my dreams
Don't tell me
Your beautiful lies
I don't want a surprise
Do you see?
I love you
So don't tell me
That you love me
Til you do

Wierd how love works out.
Someone still gets hurt.
What's that all about?
Please don't say a word

Don't bring back our yesterday

Does it amuse
You to see me hurting?
Do you enjoy
To see me in pain?
Does it make you smile
To see me so broken?

Do you really not
See what's going on?
Are you so clueless?
So very wrong?

Unaware...




Okay, so maybe I exaggerated a bit with it being "better" than the last couple. But at least there was some sort of real emotion and it was ABOUT something instead of being because I was bored.

Crushed by Crushes (corny title, I know. I was like...11. Gimme some credit)

Okay, so I've written about 100 or so poems and songs in the last 4 or 5 years, and I then changed all of my poems into songs because Nick got me into writing poems...you'll know who he is later. This was the first one I wrote and I wrote it with my cousin, Alex, when I was 11 or 12 and I know the title is corny, but gimme some credit. So...I'm trying to post in order. Okay, when I wrote this, I'd liked this guy for awhile (who now annoys the crap outta me). And he liked this other girl. And I'm an emotional person, so I took it to heart. Which you should never do, cuz they aren't worth it. There's only one guy who IS worth it. That's Nick. **insert awwwww here** followed by **insert haha fuck you here** So, no teasing XP It was origanally a song which is why some stanzas are longer than others and there's a weird syllable thing going on. OH!! And it turned out, the other chick didn't want him anyways. So, yeah...I also changed it later on to relate more to Nick instead of the guy it was originally written about because Nick was the first ever to see my poems. Like no one else has seen them and he found the ones about HIM so...awkward...




It's times like this when I
Just want to sit and cry
Because I realize
The tears form behind my eyes.

And as I try to escape,
I dry the tears from my face.
What does he see in her?
He doesn't realize his own worth

So I'll be here when he falls,
I'm here through it all.
She just doesn't care
And this I swear
Why can't he see
It is me?
I'll always be there

He tells all about her
She's such a tease
Playing games with his heart

Why can't she stop?
The clock is running out of time
She better hold him tight
And give him all her love
Before he moves on with his life....

So I'll wait for you
I'll be here for you
At night I'll pray for you
And I'm telling the truth

Open up your eyes
And you'll realize
What's right in front of you
True love awaits for you




Okay, to explain the last two stanzas, Nick is and was my first love. He's the only person I've ever truly been in love with and I'd trust him before I'd trust my own family. But we definately do NOT have the perfect relationship. Mainly because the perfect relationship does not exist. You have to work for it.

Pick Up Lines and Put Downs

So, I got really really really bored today and just started writing just cuz I felt like it. Umm....IDK I am SO sick of people using pickup lines. I mean not even the GOOD ones like "I lost my teddy bear, will you sleep with me?" **inside joke with my friend Jacob.** They use the lame, overused ones that you automatically know the ending to just from the first word. At the same time, I'm equally sick of people who've been friends with you forever turning into selfish bitches who try to steal the love of your whole life (I know I'm 15. Get over it.) So I turned a bunch of pickup lines into insults in a poem. It's kinda...amateur compared to my others which are a lot deeper than this because those were written in my more depressed moods. But this one made my critical bitch sister laugh, so I'm posting it.



Hey baby,
Are you okay?
I could've sworn I saw you fall...
Straight from heaven...
Cuz your face is really messed up.
But don't worry about that.
On a scale of one to ten, you're an eleven.
And the scale begs for mercy asking for one person at a time.
If I could rearrange the alphabet,
I'd put U and I together...
On a desert island so I could burn U alive and use your remains as bait to catch my fish.
But I'd tap that...
With the hood of my car.
You thought I meant I'd have sex with you?
No thanks, I'll stay in tonight
Because I'd rather not get AIDS.
Thanks for the offer though,
You sexy gorilla.
Oh...you're a person...my bad




So, I guess you would have to know me and who I am and stuff before any of that would be seen as non-offensive. It wasn't intended as offensive. It just ended up that way. Yes, I have lots of built up anger. Don't judge me.