5 Days and Counting

My party is this Friday and I'm still not 100% sure on what im gonna do yet. All I know is that Twitch is staying

ALL WEEKEND

with me and we're gonna have fun.

I'm gonna teach her to drive, we're gonna make Vlogs for my Bored Blog

Link: http://www.becauseimbored-allison2433.blogspot.com/

and we're gonna sing and play guitar for music blogs maybe

Link: http://www.musicmoviesblog-allison2433.blogspot.com/

and we're gonna work on putting together her blog

Link: http://www.twitchs-world.blogspot.com/

and I'm gonna be cooking for her

ALL WEEKEND

and it's gonna be really really fun. I <3 my Taylor   ^_^

OH!! And I'm gonna take her next door to see Artemis's kittens. I'll take pics for you guys. They'll be on my Bored Blog. Also, new vids up. I put up 6 today. I've got 3 more going up tomorrow.

Peace!!

12 Days And Counting

I wanted to make a journal type thing on my laptop. I was gonna just...write out my feelings about this every day...anything to keep me from burning again...but I figured that this blog holds my soul...my mind...my thoughts...my heart...maybe it can hold me together for just a little while longer...If you look at my last post on my Bored Blog that I just posted a little while ago, you'll know what I mean. But this isn't about Austin. It's about Nick.

We've been on/off for about 3 1/2 years now. During the off times, we still acted like a couple, we just weren't "official".

I've never been one for tradition. It's not how I am. We did everything out of order. But it didn't matter. Screw the world. This was us...it was ours...

I know I haven't put anything (still) on my book blog about the novel series I'm working on. I'm going to after I post this.

This is what I know: when I get married, I wanna be in my mid-twenties, I DON'T wanna marry in a church, and I DON'T want a long dress with lots of frills and poofiness. I DON'T wanna long train on it. And I'm NOT wearing red lipstick with a bun and a veil. I'm leaving my hair down. No bun. No veil. I MIGHT curl it only slightly to give it a beachy waves kinda look. I wanna get married on the beach. Around sunset. I'm gonna wear flipflops. No heals. Hell, I might go barefoot.

Not a lot of makeup. Just natural looking makeup with a smoky eye thing going on. That's my favorite. But not black. Probably either plum, golden brownish colored, or a light gray.

I'm gonna have, like, this epic buffet thing and lots of colorful drinks like cocktails and daqueries and pina coladas and I'm gonna have sodas for the kids.

I'm doing my own hair and makeup, and for the bride's maids dresses, they're gonna be like mango, peach, orange, a light yellow...they'll be warm colors, but they won't match. And they won't all be the same dress. I'll use a certain dress to fit each individual person's figure.

I won't look like friggen Repunzle either. My dress is gonna be all silky and curve-hugging and have a bunched trail that doesn't go past my feet. Like I said: flip flops.

That wasn't the point of this post...I just got completely off topic. My point is, I love Nick, and he has a girlfriend. I didn't actually expect them to still be together...it's going on 3 months...true, it doesn't top 3 years. But....if he's been with her for this long, then he's gonna TRY to make it work and they won't break up soon...and the thing is, I try to judge fairly. I don't automatically hate a girl just because Nick hates her. I DO automatically hate a girl when she's the only thing that's keeping us apart.

I started burning again over this...I haven't since last time cuz Nick was pissed and Twitch said if I did it again she'd light her arm on fire, so I don't wanna take the chance of that happening because Taylor is honestly crazy enough to do it....I don't know if she'd actually go through with it, but it really wouldn't surprise me. I don't wanna take that chance.

I saw this post on Sami's blog about the Butterfly Project.
Go here: http://www.lifeencourageslollipops.tumblr.com/
It's helped...kinda...I haven't burned since...but it doesn't mean I'm not tempted. I'm gonna see him next friday...this can only go badly...

Just Thinkin'

Why is it that thinking about you makes me so sad now?

It used to make me happy...

I guess I just wanna be with you...

Fuck...

Random Poem-ish Thing

So, as most of you know, I've been taking prescription steroids this week. Evidently they make you INSANELY mood swingy. Like, how I am during PMS in the extremity kinda mood swingy. I don't hate Nick. I couldn't. I was just...hurt...I don't know...I guess I just had a momentary little weirdness happen where everything over the last couple months decided to let loose its sperm inside my brain so I could only think about that part. About what SHOULD'VE been compared to what IS.

And now Austin...he's amazing. He's sweet and funny and lets me vent and he's easy to talk to and he's REALLY hot. And he makes me feel...I don't know...like...like I'm doing something right, I guess. He's impressed by the small things about me like that I play guitar and have horses. It's like....an ego boost.

But I'm scared that that may end up being all he can be...because every fiber of my being has always told me that Nick was the one...he was all I ever wanted...all I want...so either I'm wrong and I need to let him go or...I'm right. And I need to be WITH him instead of with someone else...no matter how anybody else makes me FEEL, none of them could make me happy. Not truely. Not the way Nick did...it's weird...I've seen him twice since May yet none of my feelings have budged...and up until 2 months ago, I guess his hadn't either...but now...I have no idea...

I wish I could just let myself be happy with Austin...God knows he treats me better...but the thing is...I don't know...all I can think about with Austin is how I wish Nick felt that way about me...and if he still does, that he treated me like that...cuz he used to...that's why I broke down last Wednesday at church. Everyone thinks I'm using Austin. I'm not, obviously, with all the stuff I said about him already. But...I'm afraid...what if I hurt him? He doesn't deserve it. He deserves to be with someone that can make him happy. If a guy can't make me happy, then I wouldn't genuinely be able to make them happy...cuz I wouldn't fall in love with them...and Austin...what if he does? Then it makes everything harder...

We've gotten to that point where you talk about a lot of random crap and I 3-way'd him and Twitch so he's best-friend-approved. And she knows exactly where I'm coming from (see Judgemental Bitches on my Controversiality and My Opinions Blog: http://www.iwillnotkeepmythoughtstomyself.blogspot.com/) and where the pet names (I.E. babe, hun, honey...but just those) take part. It's weird...not like uncomfortable, really...but, like...the pet names never made me blush or giggle like a total girl except with Nick. We used ALL of them. But not like the embarrasing ones. The normal ones (I.E. babe, baby, darlin, hun, honey, love...I think that's it) and it feels weird for me to call anyone but him that.

Yes, I've dated guys since Nick, but he was my first and longest REAL relationship and we got somewhat serious...not like talking MARRIAGE but STILL. My commitment issues refuse to let me contemplate that far ahead. It would not end well. Either I'd get my hopes up, or I'd dread it. And, with my luck, the opposite of what I want would happen as is usually the case with him...I don't understand how I still feel so strongly about someone who feels like...a dream...like...an imaginary friend I guess...a dilusion...hallucination...this is what happens when I've been away from him for too long. And then I doubt my feelings. They turn to hate or indifference. But it lasts about 10 minutes and then I realize I was just being stupid...I don't know. I need TV. Read the random shit below.






There used to be so much love

In this heart for you...

Now it's about

Halfway drained

And refilling itself with hate...

I never wanted to hate you...

I never thought it was

Possible to hate you...

I loved you too much...

Why can't I just be happy

With what I have?

When you get a taste

Of the best thing-

The only thing

In the whole world

That you could ever want-

How could you go back

To still searching

For The One

When you've found him

And can't have him?

I'm so confused

Because I never thought

I could love

Like I loved you.

You changed my life.

You changed everything.

How am I

Supposed to be without you?

You were my whole life

My world

My air...

You wanted to make us work...

We could've....

We were meant for each other...

Supposed to be together...

How can you lose something like that?

When perfect for each other

Means disaster waiting to happen...

Then you know the world

Is on it's way to hell.

Might as well throw a party.

Old Poems From Facebook (4)

I wish I could take pictures with my eyes.
Our eyes see colors
No
camera can capture,
No paint can detail,
No drawing can define.
They
paint this picture inside our minds.
It can't be shown.
You have to see.

All we that is seen
Is pure beauty.
Every creation is beautiful.

All creation is good.
There's so much beauty in this world
But we so
often overlook it.

i took all of these pictures.

Old Poems From Facebook (3)

This is the difference between the movies and reality.
In movies,
everything works out the way it should.
They go thru similar situations, the
same emotions, and bottling it all up.
Finally they let it all out.
And
when they do, they get their perfect little happy ending.
In real life,

Happy endings are extremely rare
Because nothing works out like it's
supposed to
And we make this huge mess trying to fix everything
Which
only makes it worse.
Then when it feels like everything is just gonna fall
completely apart,
There's always someone there
To get you thru it.

Someone who's been there all along.
But what if that person wasn't in
front of you?
What if that person wasn't there?

Old Poems From Facebook (2)

Tonight I'm gonna cry
Tonight I'm gonna scream
Tonight I'm gonna
replay everything

Tonight I won't get sleep
Tonight I won't dream

Tonight I'll only be able to think

Tomorrow I won't want to be awake

Tomorrow my heart will break
Tomorrow I'll break down and cry


Then tomorrow night
I'll dance
And cry
And pray
And try
to get through everything on my own

Tomorrow night I'll live
And die

And for once in my life
I'll feel like things are right
Despite
everything wrong in my life

Tonight I'm gonna cry

Old Poems From Facebook (1)

The only thing worse than having you here
Is not to have you at all.

The only thing worse then being with you
Is the feeling whenever you're
gone.
The only thing worse than to see you each day
Is never to see you
again.
The only thing worse than your new beginning
Is for us to have
our real end.
I can't just be a friend.
You can't just be nothing.

The only thing worse than for you to move on
Is for you to think you're
in love.
The only thing worse than you falling for her
Is for you to
think that she's the one.
Cuz what if you're wrong?
What if it's me

And you're just too blind to see?
What if we're the ones who are meant
to be?
What if this life
Is passing you by?
What if you've got
everything all wrong?
What if you're chasing after a rainbow?
Trying to
find a needle in a pile of hay?
What if I'm right?
What if you're wrong?

What if it's me?

This One's For Her

I have a friend who just got her heart broken truly for the first time. She's in a horrible place right now. I hope this makes you feel better, Sam.





So there you go little one
With your Barbie dolls and pig tails
Still so innocent
With no cares in the world

You're still at that age when
Life only gives lemons and
The worst thing to happen
Is when someone steals your crayons.

You have no idea
What lies in your future
And you don't really care
About what the future holds

Here's to when you were
In kindergarten
When you got in trouble
For not sleeping during nap time

You didn't have to worry
Everyone took care of you
You thought boys had cooties
And they grossed you out.

Here's when the worst thing
Was a visit to the doctor
And your mom making you sleep
Instead of playing outside.

When you hated your bath time
And you fought over cheetos
And best friends meant forever
And no one got hurt

This one's for the little girl
Only 6 years old
That sprained her wrist
Doing gymnastics at home

When you pretended the floor was lava
Jumping couch to couch
While blaring Brittney Spears
Singing at the top of your lungs

When you set up a pillow fort
With quilts and chairs
Every weekend in your living room
Watching movies til you dropped

Here's to all the innocense
And curiosity we lost.
Here's to the little girl
Who loved to do magic tricks.

When you're favorite show was Barney
And Dora wasn't born yet
But you were way too cool
To wear him at school

When you secretly cried
When you stayed at a friend's house
Cuz you missed your mommy
But you'd never tell

Here's to the simplicity
And to all of the love.
What happened to us?
Let's go back to those days.

Paranormal Blog (In the Making)

Something opened my door last night...but something was nothing...im gonna start a paranormal blog

Call it Checkin' In.

That's all the poems I have right now. I'll have to copy the ones from Facebook. But I'll do that tomorrow. I'm workin' on my Bored Blog tonight. Here's the links to my other 3 blogs for those like me who are too lazy to just click on them from my profile:

http://www.allieblog2.blogspot.com/
http://www.musicmoviesblog-allison2433.blogspot.com/
http://www.becauseimbored-allison2433.blogspot.com/

And if you wanna check out Milky's blog where he's got his photography, poems, and personal opinions of things, here's his link:

http://www.remindmehowtolive.tumblr.com/

Yes, he uses Tumblir instead of Blogger. I can still follow him from my account tho :) GO CHECK HIM OUT!!

Jaded

We've heard it said that desperate times call for desperate measures...I did something today. Something I will probably regret later. It should feel wrong...bad...but it feels...normal...indifferent.

I had Jaded by Aerosmith stuck in my head and I wanted to write a poem about being jaded :) it seemed appropriate.

Reminder: I'm not always depressed when I write. But when I write happy ones, they're either cheesey love poems or just really, really crappy...





I see you in my dreams
I wake up with these screams
As I'm calling out your name.
No surprise that nobody came.
I make these excuses for you,
Reasons you do what you do,
But it takes too much energy...
How can you do this to me?
Now, baby, I can't wait forever
Cuz forever takes too long.
And I don't wanna get my hopes up
In case you're already gone.
And how can you not have seen it?
It's been me all along.
I was the one.
I was there when you were scared
And you needed someone to hold onto.
I was there as your best friend
Every day...
But your kiss and your hugs...
They made me fall in love
But sometimes now I hate it.
You left me jaded.

Jealousy

I talked to Nick yesterday. How do you tell someone that you miss them in a lover-way when they have a gf? Who I hate...I told y'all why. It's not cuz she's his gf.

I cried for like an hour the other night...I realized I'm more afraid to fall out of love with him than I am for him to fall out with me. The difference is HE always comes back. I won't. Not if I stop loving him...but what if he decided he wanted me to? IDK I know I'm paranoid and I overthink everything. But I only do that when it's him...anyone else, I don't really care. I've been almost cheated on by guys since Nick and I didn't care at ALL. I was like, really? That's cool...

I was also kinda worried because every year for Halloween, we get our large group of friends together (The Crew) and go trick-or-treating. What if he tried to bring her...? I mean I already have to put up with Ashley (my former best friend since grade 5 who's now a two-faced, whining, cheating, lying, self-righteous, narcissistic BITCH...didn't have a non-cuss word for that) being there flirting with him.

I just wanna say this, because it bothers me. I'm an insecure person, but only when it involves him. Meaning: I notice when confident, pretty girls put moves on him. I also notice when whores do. The problem with guys is that they always want the whores and they're SO shocked when she cheats on them or dumps them for someone else or gets pregnant. All guys are that guy.

That's pretty much why I wrote this poem, actually...





You cut me deeper
Than I really think
You'll ever know.

You say "remember"
To all those things that
We were before.

And now I'm hurting
But you try to
Look away from me.

You know what's there
But you can't look cuz
You're too scared to see.

And people wonder
Why I let you hurt me
For this long.

The pain is worse
Because it becomes seering
When you're gone.

It feels like fire
Is the only
Escape out from here

But I don't question
How my body
Reacts when you're near.

I thought that this had come to pass
And I thought that we would always last
And I guess I thought you felt that too
Or at least I hoped you always knew

That this is what
You've done to me
Suffocated by
This jealousy
I didn't think this was how it would go
But let's play out
This show

But, baby, please don't
Slip away from me
Don't ever just
Give up on me
We could make this work that way you know
But let's play out
This show

I try to tell myself
It hurts you just like
It does me,

But I've learned
That when I lie
My brain will not believe

A single word I say
Or think and I can't let it go
But nobody knows

Don't get me wrong
I want you to be happy
Anyway,

But, love, have you listened
At all to a single
Word I say?

And when I look up,
Why can't you just
Look me in the eye?
Will you even try?

This should have come to pass.
And, babe, we could still last.
And, yeah, you always knew
I can't give up on you.

You have done this to me.
You made this jealousy.
And a part of you'll always know
That you wrote the show.

How can you pull away?
How could you give up on me?
This isn't how
Love works, you know
But this is your show.

So don't cry your fake tears
And tell me that I'm right.
Don't tell me that you're just scared
As if it's alright.

How can we make it last
When you don't just try?
You ask what I want to hear,
Just don't tell me lies.

She could've been me, you know?
And I can't just let it go....
I poured out my heart and soul
Into your show...

I wish I could say goodbye
But leaving is just a lie
Because it ends with time
Unlike some things should do

And it's been 3 years now
Still yet you don't know how
To make this part work out
This one's on you.

Everything that's around me
Reminds me of you in some way
The wind is picking up
And I guess I've had enough

But you've got ahold of me
Damn all this jealousy...
It could be us, you know?
Baby why'd you have to go?

I can't break your hold on me...
I guess "I love you" wasn't what it seemed.

Blogs 2 & 3!

I have about 20 viewers right now. For those who read my blog, I have 2 others also on this account. Go to my profile, and then click on whichever you wanna check out.

F... sorry, I'm trying to quit cussing...GAHHHHHH I hate this friggen keyboard. I'm on my mom's computer right now instead of my laptop. This is quicker, but the keyboard sucks balls (which is not a cuss word XD)

I started my friggen period last night so my back hurts. And I can't show yall a random silly picture since I'm not on my laptop. Sooo Imma post the rest of my poems in a minute.

PEACE!!

Geometry

You guys all know I can write WAY better than this. But I was completely, 100% fucking bored outta my mind and I'd written an assload of poems and I wanted to keep writing so I didn't have to do math. Self explanitory. I wrote this right before I wrote Pick-up Lines and Put-downs which is the first post I have on here I think...it was intended to be a Geometry pun. And failed. Really really bad.

WARNING: this poem is a complete waste of your life and may calls regret, boredom, insane laughter and shortness of breath at 4 AM, nausea, vomiting, soreness of throat, I can't believe you're seriously reading this shit, what the fuck is wrong with you? At this point I can prolly say anything and you would never know. Anything. So there.





In a room full of circles,
I have to be square.
At a swimsuit party
In my underwear.
I guess it's 1 + 2
Should be me + u,
But I'm bad at spelling
And you're bad at counting.
I guess this makes more since
With a little background.
I'm s'posed to be looking up,
So I'm just looking down.
When I say looking up,
I mean at my math text book,
But I hate Geometry
So I'm writing poetry.
Yeah, I guess this one's
Just a little bit random...
But I don't care
Because I like random.
I'm feeling like the Moldy Peaches
Right about now,
But I've never really met them,
So I don't know how.
I don't really know
How I wrote this much
About absolutely nothing,
Or a lot of little somethings...
Oh well, back to doing stuff.

So, I Guess Pessimism Comes As A Second Language

This was written the same time as the last one.

Also, check out my new blog. It gives my reviews on movies and actors, and I give links for guitar tabs/chords. And don't forget about my book blog where imma be talking about my novel series. Y'all bear with me, I know I haven't actually posted about my books yet. I'm still trying to get caught up in this blog and then imma get caught up in that one.






My point is not to tear you down
Or make you cringe with guilt.
The point here is to make you see
Everything I've felt.

All the things we've been through
The last 3 years
Should've pointed something out to you
But you couldn't see it that well.

You can't help somebody
Who doesn't want help.
You can't love somebody
If you don't love yourself.
You can't be with someone
Who doesn't want you.
I'm sick of the head games
And mind tricks.

I'm nobody's fool.
Don't leave me for lost.
I don't care what people say.

You'll regret this
And miss what you've lost
Cuz when you try to push me away
And then I finally say "okay"
And I let go,
You won't get me back.

It's Complicated

I wrote this one the same time I wrote the last 3 and along with the next 3. You can tell I was kinda running outta my words...read it all the way through, though. Seriously.






No, this isn't another
Cheesey poem.
No, it's not another
Corny song.
No, I'm not gonna tell you I miss you.
No, I'm not saying what you did wrong.
All I know is this thing's
Kinda rhyme-y.
And now I wonder if that's a word...
So just letting you know
(with bad timing)
Here's the truth about
the things you've heard.

I'm afraid.
I'm not okay.
I'm taking one day at a time.
No, I'm not through.
I'm not over you.
I don't wanna be friends
And, no, I won't pretend.
I want you to think
About me every night
Right before you fall asleep.

That's what I do:
I think about you.
It makes me feel safe
So-to-speak...

Maybe I'm scared
And I know life's unfair
But you have to take the good
With the bad.

The problem's not just me
And my insecurity
It's just us not
Making it last.

I can't try on my own
But there's one thing I know;
Something you would
Never admit.

There's a reason for this:
Us together in the end
So how can you always
Just quit?

We can't be just friends.
We always want more.
Saying "I'm scared"
Is a really pathetic
And poor excuse.
A cop-out.
Do you think I'm not?
Who cares if she gets hurt?
Fuck her. That's all I have to say about that.

Love Is

I wrote this shortly after I wrote the last two.





So, I've tried to move on
And I've tried to say goodbye
And as corny as it sounds,
Life without you is just a lie.

I put on my big, fake smile,
But the truth is still there in my eyes.
Yeah, maybe I look happy,
But that night I'm gonna cry
Over you.

Weird how you believe me...
You just hate to see me hurt.
Don't wanna believe
You did this to me.
Ain't that the way it used to be?

But you can't dry these tears now
When you made them fall from my face.
You can't both break my heart and then
Patch it up again.
You can't have it both ways...

So being "friends" is supposed to fill
The black hole in my heart?!
You think you can cure with a
Playful punch on the arm
When you tear my fuckin world apart?!

Who the hell do you think you are
Since I keep letting you do this to me?
I will never be
Who they want me to be
And you were the only one who found me

When I was invisible.
When no one else wanted me
You were always there to help.
You were the boy with the glue gun
To a girl with a broken wing
But why did you think
That when you came back to me
And we tried to fix things...

You could just drop me?
And run away to her...
You said that you were scared.
I say that you're a coward.

Love is taking risks.
Even when you know you'll get hurt.
And when no one else
Is there to fix and mend...
Love is.

Addicted

I wrote this when I wrote Burned.





I wish that it still surprised me
When you come crawling back.
I wish that I knew better,
But you're all I really have.

I guess that's why
Somewhere inside
I know that it won't last.

It's short term now
And you don't care how
I've felt for you in the past

I close my eyes
And I try to hide
The pain inside.
You've opened up my scars.

But I'm addicted
to the pain.
And I'm addicted
to the love.
And I'm addicted
to the high you get me on...

You're in my blood
And in my head
And it's too late
Cuz you're there to stay...
You've already won
And I've already lost.
I can't back out the hurt
Even though I've become
Accustomed to your touch
and accustomed to your kiss
But it doesn't get much
Simpler than this...
The thing I've dealt with
The most for so long
Is the fact that you have
Made me become
Accustomed to you gone.

Burned

I wrote this about 2 1/2 weeks ago. I think I mentioned this before, but just in case, I'm labeled as an "emo" kid.

If you go through my pics, you'll see I'm the type that doesn't dress according to their label. I don't care what people think of me. I have people I love. I like to make friends. I'm a loyal and dedicated friend. My friends (and Nick and his family) are my whole family. I would trust them before I'd trust my biological family.

Most of the way through August, me and Nick were working on getting back together. He ended up with Brit. Again. Who just kinda "happened". I burned myself.





I've come so close
But still so far away
Trembling now
I'm so messed up today...
What'd you expect?

Sitting there
Voices fly through my head
I close my eyes
"Just do it" they said
I can't drown them out...

I tuck my head
Between my knees
Cover my eyes and ears
Please just go away...
I'm no where near okay...

Sharp scissors
A lighter
Fingernails
Vodka
These things pop into my head

Mathmatical compass
The blade from a broken
Pencil sharpener...

I light my scissors
To make them hot with
The fire from the lighter.

A bright red stripe
That leaves no scar
Across the inside of my wrist.
You did this.

I tried 3 times
With no success
Because burning yourself
Just leaves regrets

There's no blood
And no scars
At least not physically...
How could you do this to me?

I Did

This one is pretty much the same emotionally as the one before.




Pardon my bleeding
It's difficult to slumber
When everything is falling apart

I lie still in waiting
As the darkness creeps inward
Approaching this hole in my heart

Have you ever made excuses
For the person that you love?
Have you ever tried to drown your sorrow and pain?
Have you ever taken matters into your own hands
And sworn you'll never love someone again?

Have you poured out your emotions
That you always tried to hide?
Have you ever just cursed at the wind?
Have you swallowed up your pride
Just to make it through the day
And cried yourself to sleep at the end?
I did.

Through your eyes, you see me
But not for who I am.
Only who you want me to be.

Has a lover broken your heart?
Scattered the pieces everywhere?
Have you had to go find them again?
Just to give them back to him?
I did.

Incomplete

Okay, so in case it's not obvious enough, anytime I'm not with Nick, I get REALLY depressed. It's not a codependancy thing. It's just...love. He makes me happy. But when we're not together, it makes me hurt...and I can only write when I'm REALLY emotional about something. But there's only one word for love. Everything else is just something you do.





And so concludes
My hopes and dreams.
Should I let them fade away?
Nothing to show
But this gaping hole
Left in my heart.
My blood rushes out
In streams.
It pours from my center.
But no one can see
This agony. I'm invisible.
No one can know its wonder.
When perfect for each other
Means disaster waiting to happen.
This heart is shattered;
Obliterated from my chest.
No tears left to cry,
So I quietly weep; a pitiful sight.
We were meant to be,
But you couldn't see it.
Love is a blessing.
Hope is a curse.
Being led along my way.....
With you, I'm happily miserable.
Without you, I'm incomplete.
Just like...

In The End (this one should've come before the last, sorry)

I was trying to describe the feeling I had in my stomach...the empty...nauseating feeling...everything that went through my mind...when I thought I would never see Nick again. It didn't become real yet...I felt...numb.





I have this empty space in my stomach...
Like he's really gone this time...
I guess this means we took too long...
We used up all our time...
I wanna take back the fighting...
Any time we spent on someone else...
This doesn't feel real yet...
I'm still waiting to find myself
Because I lost me somewhere deep in him
In his bright, big, dark brown eyes
And the gorgeous smile that breaks your heart.
The only one who makes me cry...
He used to be my fairytale.
My deepest wish come true.
My favorite lie of all of them
Was the recurring "I love you."
If he really loved me, then why doesn't he now?
Where is he when I need him most?
He's lost somewhere in her deep blue eyes.
She used to be me....
What happened to us?
When did we fall apart?
Will I ever get him back again?
Screw moving on.
All hope is gone.
This is a fight I just can't win.
Because I'll always love you in the end.

What You Don't See

Milky actually inspired this. He wrote a poem that made me start brainstorming. His stretched into a story. Mine stayed in this...mildly redundant but still to the point kinda thing. Proof that I hate writer's block. Bad/good things kinda fall in sync with Milky and me. I don't know why. Our highs and lows hit sorta...simultaneously. Like, we have the same deep, deep emotions at the same time. We're emotionally synchronized.

It's still about Nick though. To an extent. Y'all can tell when it is and when it's not. See, he can see through everything when no one else can. He knows me in ways that no one else does or ever could. So in the beginning, when it talks about the people that can't see past my front, it's generalized. When it says why I had the front, and it gets deeper, it's Nick.

And for those who wanna check out Milky's poems and stuff of the sort, here's his blog URL:
     http://www.remindmehowtolive.tumblr.com/
He just got it, so there's nothing on it yet, but he'll put some stuff up later. All of his are the kinda things I could never think to say...he's an amazingly talented writer and poet. Tell him I sent ya ;)





You see me smile
When I'm falling apart.
You see me laugh
When my heart is shattered.
You see me happy
When I wanna cry.
You see me dance
When I wanna die.
You see me sing
When I wanna scream.
You see my front;
I replay everything.
You see me here
When I wanna be there.
You feel me here
When I'm everywhere.
But what you don't see
Is the pain that lies
Inside the tears of the troubled eyes
As I wonder how I bought all your lies.
What you don't see is the hurt.
People can say whatever they like
But I'm always yours and you used to be mine.
You'll never think to look inside
Where all you would see is the hurt.
With violent shakes
Your face awakens
Me from the darkest dream
I just wanna hold you close
And never let you go
And recreate a new dream.
One where things are as they should be.
How can you not see?

My First

So, he was pretty much my first everything. I made a list. I know I make a lot of points to say something about "his arms" but it's just that...his hugs are like...he holds me together...all the stress goes away and it feels like I have fallen into a million pieces throughout the day and he just...holds them together...plus he has nicely toned, sexy arms, so that's a nice bonus haha. And when he holds me...I don't know...he just...makes me feel loved...and safe...I know that sounds all cheesey. The point of this blog isn't to talk about Nick. It's to share my poems and explain them with a little bit (or a lot) of background. There's your background.





He was my first kiss
And my first love
My whole heart
All of my life
My only soul mate
Where did it go?
I'd give him anything
And he gave nothing to me
I didn't take anything
But he took it all from me
He tore me to pieces
Took all of my heart
Everything I had to give
Was lost in his arms
He made me feel beautiful
For the only time in my life
And he took it all away
With goodbye
He had to go
And find himself
Find his missing part
But I was right there all along
Longing for his arms
I was right there the whole time
But he could never see
That all along his broken heart
Was leading him to me.

Poem 4 (my 29th, but 4th on my laptop)

When I wrote this, Nick and I were together. This was about....8 months ago. This bitch who loved to cause drama was trying to get between me and him. She has tried to fight me over him before. When he found out, he stopped talking to her for months. He hates losing friends, so he ended up being friends with her again.

She couldn't stand that he was happy with me. Cuz she's a miserable bitch. She made up this rumor that he had tried to kiss her at this party the week that him and I had started talking about getting back together. And the particular night she said he tried, ironically, is the last real kiss I got from him up to this point. I told y'all why we broke up, and why we haven't yet gotten back together. But we were happy.

Like an idiot, I believed the rumor at first. He was like...pissed at her beyond belief, but mostly hysterical over me...not like crying. Like...worrying himself sick. "She's just a lying bitch. I LOVE YOU whether you believe it or not."

I felt...skeptical...paranoid...guilty as hell. He'd been trying to prove that he loved me. That he really truly did. We've been through hell and back. Anyone can see that. I wrote this because I didn't know how to explain it...I wanted to pour everything out there to him...try to explain why I'm such a skeptic and why I'm so quick to be pessimistic and accept some stupid rumor from someone I don't even like let alone trust...I love him so much....why couldn't I just let myself trust him?

As I said before, I have abandonment and trust issues. He knows that. And he's good to me...but...when we're not together....like now....






So many things I could tell you...
Most I wish I could just let go...
So sick of being skeptical
And hesitant and doubtful.
And I wanna tell you that
But you always prove me right
Every time I start acting this way
I just wanna be with you
Wanna just be close to you
And figure out how to
Let my guard go back down again
I rebuilt these walls
That you worked so hard to tear down
I've been told that you'll prove
Every feeling you have
If it's honestly true and real
But my love is in the small things
That we both say and do
I'm tired of being told things
More tired of listening
To everything that they have to say
But I hate it when they're right
Which is most of the time
I just don't want things to be this way
You're not the only one to blame
But it doesn't seem like
No should be that hard to say
I wanna trust you
I want it to be okay for me to love you
But somehow these words keep slipping away
I don't wanna get hurt
Or to be confused
Even if you don't mean for things to be this way.
These things I gotta remember to say.

It's Always Been You

Not a lot has happened today...I've been watchin the House marathon and then Imma watch Family Guy when it comes on at 10. I don't have to be in bed til 12 anyways soo...pretty slow day. When it cuts to commercial, Imma go get some hot chocolate.

I know most people find it weird to drink hot chocolate in the summer, but technically it's fall now and furthermore, hot chocolate cures the more depressing mood swings. And to the sexist assholes reading this, NO I'm not on my period. I still have about...10 days. Assuming I'm actually on time...I'm usually about a week early.

And I know I'm giving a lot of personal info to that effect. I don't really care. Ask me anything besides my phone number, address, or last name or any way you could stalk me. I'll answer any question you have. Even if it's just sarcasm. I can be a bitch, believe it or not :)

I wrote this the same time I wrote the last 3. It was a back to back to back kinda thing, so it was all influenced by the same inspiration.






I will be fearless.
I will get through.
I will push through this
Til I can start new.
I won't forget this.
I can't forget you.
But I have forgotten myself
In spite of you.
A piece of me died.
It's been left behind.
My very soul weeps for you.
This piece of me gone.
How can I move on
When the only one for me is you?
It's always been you
Whether you see it or not.
It's always been you
Even if you probably forgot
How to love
And to feel
And to see
What is real
And to fix this heart you broke in two.
Somehow I'll still get through,
But it's always been you.