Video Journal 12-12-10

Video Journal Entry 2 12-10-10

Video Journal 12-08-10

Entry 1

Sorry it went so long you guys. I wouldn't listen to me talk for a half hour either.

Invisible

This is really happening...
It's been almost 4 months now...
I saw you yesterday
As you walked away
Then you were gone...
When you find the one
Who's only yours
Now and forever
Like you promised,
Nothing can come
Between you
Unless you let it.
Why would you let it?
Why did you let it?
It's been this long...
The only thing
Keeping me from you
Is her
And you know that.
I guess sometimes
It takes losing someone
To realize what
They meant to you.
Yet you continue
To tell people
That I'm a part of you.
Does she know that?
No.
I'm left alone.
And she doesn't know.
I've become transparent.
I'm invisible.

5 Days and Counting

My party is this Friday and I'm still not 100% sure on what im gonna do yet. All I know is that Twitch is staying

ALL WEEKEND

with me and we're gonna have fun.

I'm gonna teach her to drive, we're gonna make Vlogs for my Bored Blog

Link: http://www.becauseimbored-allison2433.blogspot.com/

and we're gonna sing and play guitar for music blogs maybe

Link: http://www.musicmoviesblog-allison2433.blogspot.com/

and we're gonna work on putting together her blog

Link: http://www.twitchs-world.blogspot.com/

and I'm gonna be cooking for her

ALL WEEKEND

and it's gonna be really really fun. I <3 my Taylor   ^_^

OH!! And I'm gonna take her next door to see Artemis's kittens. I'll take pics for you guys. They'll be on my Bored Blog. Also, new vids up. I put up 6 today. I've got 3 more going up tomorrow.

Peace!!

12 Days And Counting

I wanted to make a journal type thing on my laptop. I was gonna just...write out my feelings about this every day...anything to keep me from burning again...but I figured that this blog holds my soul...my mind...my thoughts...my heart...maybe it can hold me together for just a little while longer...If you look at my last post on my Bored Blog that I just posted a little while ago, you'll know what I mean. But this isn't about Austin. It's about Nick.

We've been on/off for about 3 1/2 years now. During the off times, we still acted like a couple, we just weren't "official".

I've never been one for tradition. It's not how I am. We did everything out of order. But it didn't matter. Screw the world. This was us...it was ours...

I know I haven't put anything (still) on my book blog about the novel series I'm working on. I'm going to after I post this.

This is what I know: when I get married, I wanna be in my mid-twenties, I DON'T wanna marry in a church, and I DON'T want a long dress with lots of frills and poofiness. I DON'T wanna long train on it. And I'm NOT wearing red lipstick with a bun and a veil. I'm leaving my hair down. No bun. No veil. I MIGHT curl it only slightly to give it a beachy waves kinda look. I wanna get married on the beach. Around sunset. I'm gonna wear flipflops. No heals. Hell, I might go barefoot.

Not a lot of makeup. Just natural looking makeup with a smoky eye thing going on. That's my favorite. But not black. Probably either plum, golden brownish colored, or a light gray.

I'm gonna have, like, this epic buffet thing and lots of colorful drinks like cocktails and daqueries and pina coladas and I'm gonna have sodas for the kids.

I'm doing my own hair and makeup, and for the bride's maids dresses, they're gonna be like mango, peach, orange, a light yellow...they'll be warm colors, but they won't match. And they won't all be the same dress. I'll use a certain dress to fit each individual person's figure.

I won't look like friggen Repunzle either. My dress is gonna be all silky and curve-hugging and have a bunched trail that doesn't go past my feet. Like I said: flip flops.

That wasn't the point of this post...I just got completely off topic. My point is, I love Nick, and he has a girlfriend. I didn't actually expect them to still be together...it's going on 3 months...true, it doesn't top 3 years. But....if he's been with her for this long, then he's gonna TRY to make it work and they won't break up soon...and the thing is, I try to judge fairly. I don't automatically hate a girl just because Nick hates her. I DO automatically hate a girl when she's the only thing that's keeping us apart.

I started burning again over this...I haven't since last time cuz Nick was pissed and Twitch said if I did it again she'd light her arm on fire, so I don't wanna take the chance of that happening because Taylor is honestly crazy enough to do it....I don't know if she'd actually go through with it, but it really wouldn't surprise me. I don't wanna take that chance.

I saw this post on Sami's blog about the Butterfly Project.
Go here: http://www.lifeencourageslollipops.tumblr.com/
It's helped...kinda...I haven't burned since...but it doesn't mean I'm not tempted. I'm gonna see him next friday...this can only go badly...

Just Thinkin'

Why is it that thinking about you makes me so sad now?

It used to make me happy...

I guess I just wanna be with you...

Fuck...

Random Poem-ish Thing

So, as most of you know, I've been taking prescription steroids this week. Evidently they make you INSANELY mood swingy. Like, how I am during PMS in the extremity kinda mood swingy. I don't hate Nick. I couldn't. I was just...hurt...I don't know...I guess I just had a momentary little weirdness happen where everything over the last couple months decided to let loose its sperm inside my brain so I could only think about that part. About what SHOULD'VE been compared to what IS.

And now Austin...he's amazing. He's sweet and funny and lets me vent and he's easy to talk to and he's REALLY hot. And he makes me feel...I don't know...like...like I'm doing something right, I guess. He's impressed by the small things about me like that I play guitar and have horses. It's like....an ego boost.

But I'm scared that that may end up being all he can be...because every fiber of my being has always told me that Nick was the one...he was all I ever wanted...all I want...so either I'm wrong and I need to let him go or...I'm right. And I need to be WITH him instead of with someone else...no matter how anybody else makes me FEEL, none of them could make me happy. Not truely. Not the way Nick did...it's weird...I've seen him twice since May yet none of my feelings have budged...and up until 2 months ago, I guess his hadn't either...but now...I have no idea...

I wish I could just let myself be happy with Austin...God knows he treats me better...but the thing is...I don't know...all I can think about with Austin is how I wish Nick felt that way about me...and if he still does, that he treated me like that...cuz he used to...that's why I broke down last Wednesday at church. Everyone thinks I'm using Austin. I'm not, obviously, with all the stuff I said about him already. But...I'm afraid...what if I hurt him? He doesn't deserve it. He deserves to be with someone that can make him happy. If a guy can't make me happy, then I wouldn't genuinely be able to make them happy...cuz I wouldn't fall in love with them...and Austin...what if he does? Then it makes everything harder...

We've gotten to that point where you talk about a lot of random crap and I 3-way'd him and Twitch so he's best-friend-approved. And she knows exactly where I'm coming from (see Judgemental Bitches on my Controversiality and My Opinions Blog: http://www.iwillnotkeepmythoughtstomyself.blogspot.com/) and where the pet names (I.E. babe, hun, honey...but just those) take part. It's weird...not like uncomfortable, really...but, like...the pet names never made me blush or giggle like a total girl except with Nick. We used ALL of them. But not like the embarrasing ones. The normal ones (I.E. babe, baby, darlin, hun, honey, love...I think that's it) and it feels weird for me to call anyone but him that.

Yes, I've dated guys since Nick, but he was my first and longest REAL relationship and we got somewhat serious...not like talking MARRIAGE but STILL. My commitment issues refuse to let me contemplate that far ahead. It would not end well. Either I'd get my hopes up, or I'd dread it. And, with my luck, the opposite of what I want would happen as is usually the case with him...I don't understand how I still feel so strongly about someone who feels like...a dream...like...an imaginary friend I guess...a dilusion...hallucination...this is what happens when I've been away from him for too long. And then I doubt my feelings. They turn to hate or indifference. But it lasts about 10 minutes and then I realize I was just being stupid...I don't know. I need TV. Read the random shit below.






There used to be so much love

In this heart for you...

Now it's about

Halfway drained

And refilling itself with hate...

I never wanted to hate you...

I never thought it was

Possible to hate you...

I loved you too much...

Why can't I just be happy

With what I have?

When you get a taste

Of the best thing-

The only thing

In the whole world

That you could ever want-

How could you go back

To still searching

For The One

When you've found him

And can't have him?

I'm so confused

Because I never thought

I could love

Like I loved you.

You changed my life.

You changed everything.

How am I

Supposed to be without you?

You were my whole life

My world

My air...

You wanted to make us work...

We could've....

We were meant for each other...

Supposed to be together...

How can you lose something like that?

When perfect for each other

Means disaster waiting to happen...

Then you know the world

Is on it's way to hell.

Might as well throw a party.

Old Poems From Facebook (4)

I wish I could take pictures with my eyes.
Our eyes see colors
No
camera can capture,
No paint can detail,
No drawing can define.
They
paint this picture inside our minds.
It can't be shown.
You have to see.

All we that is seen
Is pure beauty.
Every creation is beautiful.

All creation is good.
There's so much beauty in this world
But we so
often overlook it.

i took all of these pictures.

Old Poems From Facebook (3)

This is the difference between the movies and reality.
In movies,
everything works out the way it should.
They go thru similar situations, the
same emotions, and bottling it all up.
Finally they let it all out.
And
when they do, they get their perfect little happy ending.
In real life,

Happy endings are extremely rare
Because nothing works out like it's
supposed to
And we make this huge mess trying to fix everything
Which
only makes it worse.
Then when it feels like everything is just gonna fall
completely apart,
There's always someone there
To get you thru it.

Someone who's been there all along.
But what if that person wasn't in
front of you?
What if that person wasn't there?

Old Poems From Facebook (2)

Tonight I'm gonna cry
Tonight I'm gonna scream
Tonight I'm gonna
replay everything

Tonight I won't get sleep
Tonight I won't dream

Tonight I'll only be able to think

Tomorrow I won't want to be awake

Tomorrow my heart will break
Tomorrow I'll break down and cry


Then tomorrow night
I'll dance
And cry
And pray
And try
to get through everything on my own

Tomorrow night I'll live
And die

And for once in my life
I'll feel like things are right
Despite
everything wrong in my life

Tonight I'm gonna cry

Old Poems From Facebook (1)

The only thing worse than having you here
Is not to have you at all.

The only thing worse then being with you
Is the feeling whenever you're
gone.
The only thing worse than to see you each day
Is never to see you
again.
The only thing worse than your new beginning
Is for us to have
our real end.
I can't just be a friend.
You can't just be nothing.

The only thing worse than for you to move on
Is for you to think you're
in love.
The only thing worse than you falling for her
Is for you to
think that she's the one.
Cuz what if you're wrong?
What if it's me

And you're just too blind to see?
What if we're the ones who are meant
to be?
What if this life
Is passing you by?
What if you've got
everything all wrong?
What if you're chasing after a rainbow?
Trying to
find a needle in a pile of hay?
What if I'm right?
What if you're wrong?

What if it's me?

This One's For Her

I have a friend who just got her heart broken truly for the first time. She's in a horrible place right now. I hope this makes you feel better, Sam.





So there you go little one
With your Barbie dolls and pig tails
Still so innocent
With no cares in the world

You're still at that age when
Life only gives lemons and
The worst thing to happen
Is when someone steals your crayons.

You have no idea
What lies in your future
And you don't really care
About what the future holds

Here's to when you were
In kindergarten
When you got in trouble
For not sleeping during nap time

You didn't have to worry
Everyone took care of you
You thought boys had cooties
And they grossed you out.

Here's when the worst thing
Was a visit to the doctor
And your mom making you sleep
Instead of playing outside.

When you hated your bath time
And you fought over cheetos
And best friends meant forever
And no one got hurt

This one's for the little girl
Only 6 years old
That sprained her wrist
Doing gymnastics at home

When you pretended the floor was lava
Jumping couch to couch
While blaring Brittney Spears
Singing at the top of your lungs

When you set up a pillow fort
With quilts and chairs
Every weekend in your living room
Watching movies til you dropped

Here's to all the innocense
And curiosity we lost.
Here's to the little girl
Who loved to do magic tricks.

When you're favorite show was Barney
And Dora wasn't born yet
But you were way too cool
To wear him at school

When you secretly cried
When you stayed at a friend's house
Cuz you missed your mommy
But you'd never tell

Here's to the simplicity
And to all of the love.
What happened to us?
Let's go back to those days.

Paranormal Blog (In the Making)

Something opened my door last night...but something was nothing...im gonna start a paranormal blog

Call it Checkin' In.

That's all the poems I have right now. I'll have to copy the ones from Facebook. But I'll do that tomorrow. I'm workin' on my Bored Blog tonight. Here's the links to my other 3 blogs for those like me who are too lazy to just click on them from my profile:

http://www.allieblog2.blogspot.com/
http://www.musicmoviesblog-allison2433.blogspot.com/
http://www.becauseimbored-allison2433.blogspot.com/

And if you wanna check out Milky's blog where he's got his photography, poems, and personal opinions of things, here's his link:

http://www.remindmehowtolive.tumblr.com/

Yes, he uses Tumblir instead of Blogger. I can still follow him from my account tho :) GO CHECK HIM OUT!!

Jaded

We've heard it said that desperate times call for desperate measures...I did something today. Something I will probably regret later. It should feel wrong...bad...but it feels...normal...indifferent.

I had Jaded by Aerosmith stuck in my head and I wanted to write a poem about being jaded :) it seemed appropriate.

Reminder: I'm not always depressed when I write. But when I write happy ones, they're either cheesey love poems or just really, really crappy...





I see you in my dreams
I wake up with these screams
As I'm calling out your name.
No surprise that nobody came.
I make these excuses for you,
Reasons you do what you do,
But it takes too much energy...
How can you do this to me?
Now, baby, I can't wait forever
Cuz forever takes too long.
And I don't wanna get my hopes up
In case you're already gone.
And how can you not have seen it?
It's been me all along.
I was the one.
I was there when you were scared
And you needed someone to hold onto.
I was there as your best friend
Every day...
But your kiss and your hugs...
They made me fall in love
But sometimes now I hate it.
You left me jaded.

Jealousy

I talked to Nick yesterday. How do you tell someone that you miss them in a lover-way when they have a gf? Who I hate...I told y'all why. It's not cuz she's his gf.

I cried for like an hour the other night...I realized I'm more afraid to fall out of love with him than I am for him to fall out with me. The difference is HE always comes back. I won't. Not if I stop loving him...but what if he decided he wanted me to? IDK I know I'm paranoid and I overthink everything. But I only do that when it's him...anyone else, I don't really care. I've been almost cheated on by guys since Nick and I didn't care at ALL. I was like, really? That's cool...

I was also kinda worried because every year for Halloween, we get our large group of friends together (The Crew) and go trick-or-treating. What if he tried to bring her...? I mean I already have to put up with Ashley (my former best friend since grade 5 who's now a two-faced, whining, cheating, lying, self-righteous, narcissistic BITCH...didn't have a non-cuss word for that) being there flirting with him.

I just wanna say this, because it bothers me. I'm an insecure person, but only when it involves him. Meaning: I notice when confident, pretty girls put moves on him. I also notice when whores do. The problem with guys is that they always want the whores and they're SO shocked when she cheats on them or dumps them for someone else or gets pregnant. All guys are that guy.

That's pretty much why I wrote this poem, actually...





You cut me deeper
Than I really think
You'll ever know.

You say "remember"
To all those things that
We were before.

And now I'm hurting
But you try to
Look away from me.

You know what's there
But you can't look cuz
You're too scared to see.

And people wonder
Why I let you hurt me
For this long.

The pain is worse
Because it becomes seering
When you're gone.

It feels like fire
Is the only
Escape out from here

But I don't question
How my body
Reacts when you're near.

I thought that this had come to pass
And I thought that we would always last
And I guess I thought you felt that too
Or at least I hoped you always knew

That this is what
You've done to me
Suffocated by
This jealousy
I didn't think this was how it would go
But let's play out
This show

But, baby, please don't
Slip away from me
Don't ever just
Give up on me
We could make this work that way you know
But let's play out
This show

I try to tell myself
It hurts you just like
It does me,

But I've learned
That when I lie
My brain will not believe

A single word I say
Or think and I can't let it go
But nobody knows

Don't get me wrong
I want you to be happy
Anyway,

But, love, have you listened
At all to a single
Word I say?

And when I look up,
Why can't you just
Look me in the eye?
Will you even try?

This should have come to pass.
And, babe, we could still last.
And, yeah, you always knew
I can't give up on you.

You have done this to me.
You made this jealousy.
And a part of you'll always know
That you wrote the show.

How can you pull away?
How could you give up on me?
This isn't how
Love works, you know
But this is your show.

So don't cry your fake tears
And tell me that I'm right.
Don't tell me that you're just scared
As if it's alright.

How can we make it last
When you don't just try?
You ask what I want to hear,
Just don't tell me lies.

She could've been me, you know?
And I can't just let it go....
I poured out my heart and soul
Into your show...

I wish I could say goodbye
But leaving is just a lie
Because it ends with time
Unlike some things should do

And it's been 3 years now
Still yet you don't know how
To make this part work out
This one's on you.

Everything that's around me
Reminds me of you in some way
The wind is picking up
And I guess I've had enough

But you've got ahold of me
Damn all this jealousy...
It could be us, you know?
Baby why'd you have to go?

I can't break your hold on me...
I guess "I love you" wasn't what it seemed.

Blogs 2 & 3!

I have about 20 viewers right now. For those who read my blog, I have 2 others also on this account. Go to my profile, and then click on whichever you wanna check out.

F... sorry, I'm trying to quit cussing...GAHHHHHH I hate this friggen keyboard. I'm on my mom's computer right now instead of my laptop. This is quicker, but the keyboard sucks balls (which is not a cuss word XD)

I started my friggen period last night so my back hurts. And I can't show yall a random silly picture since I'm not on my laptop. Sooo Imma post the rest of my poems in a minute.

PEACE!!

Geometry

You guys all know I can write WAY better than this. But I was completely, 100% fucking bored outta my mind and I'd written an assload of poems and I wanted to keep writing so I didn't have to do math. Self explanitory. I wrote this right before I wrote Pick-up Lines and Put-downs which is the first post I have on here I think...it was intended to be a Geometry pun. And failed. Really really bad.

WARNING: this poem is a complete waste of your life and may calls regret, boredom, insane laughter and shortness of breath at 4 AM, nausea, vomiting, soreness of throat, I can't believe you're seriously reading this shit, what the fuck is wrong with you? At this point I can prolly say anything and you would never know. Anything. So there.





In a room full of circles,
I have to be square.
At a swimsuit party
In my underwear.
I guess it's 1 + 2
Should be me + u,
But I'm bad at spelling
And you're bad at counting.
I guess this makes more since
With a little background.
I'm s'posed to be looking up,
So I'm just looking down.
When I say looking up,
I mean at my math text book,
But I hate Geometry
So I'm writing poetry.
Yeah, I guess this one's
Just a little bit random...
But I don't care
Because I like random.
I'm feeling like the Moldy Peaches
Right about now,
But I've never really met them,
So I don't know how.
I don't really know
How I wrote this much
About absolutely nothing,
Or a lot of little somethings...
Oh well, back to doing stuff.

So, I Guess Pessimism Comes As A Second Language

This was written the same time as the last one.

Also, check out my new blog. It gives my reviews on movies and actors, and I give links for guitar tabs/chords. And don't forget about my book blog where imma be talking about my novel series. Y'all bear with me, I know I haven't actually posted about my books yet. I'm still trying to get caught up in this blog and then imma get caught up in that one.






My point is not to tear you down
Or make you cringe with guilt.
The point here is to make you see
Everything I've felt.

All the things we've been through
The last 3 years
Should've pointed something out to you
But you couldn't see it that well.

You can't help somebody
Who doesn't want help.
You can't love somebody
If you don't love yourself.
You can't be with someone
Who doesn't want you.
I'm sick of the head games
And mind tricks.

I'm nobody's fool.
Don't leave me for lost.
I don't care what people say.

You'll regret this
And miss what you've lost
Cuz when you try to push me away
And then I finally say "okay"
And I let go,
You won't get me back.