5 Days and Counting

My party is this Friday and I'm still not 100% sure on what im gonna do yet. All I know is that Twitch is staying

ALL WEEKEND

with me and we're gonna have fun.

I'm gonna teach her to drive, we're gonna make Vlogs for my Bored Blog

Link: http://www.becauseimbored-allison2433.blogspot.com/

and we're gonna sing and play guitar for music blogs maybe

Link: http://www.musicmoviesblog-allison2433.blogspot.com/

and we're gonna work on putting together her blog

Link: http://www.twitchs-world.blogspot.com/

and I'm gonna be cooking for her

ALL WEEKEND

and it's gonna be really really fun. I <3 my Taylor   ^_^

OH!! And I'm gonna take her next door to see Artemis's kittens. I'll take pics for you guys. They'll be on my Bored Blog. Also, new vids up. I put up 6 today. I've got 3 more going up tomorrow.

Peace!!

12 Days And Counting

I wanted to make a journal type thing on my laptop. I was gonna just...write out my feelings about this every day...anything to keep me from burning again...but I figured that this blog holds my soul...my mind...my thoughts...my heart...maybe it can hold me together for just a little while longer...If you look at my last post on my Bored Blog that I just posted a little while ago, you'll know what I mean. But this isn't about Austin. It's about Nick.

We've been on/off for about 3 1/2 years now. During the off times, we still acted like a couple, we just weren't "official".

I've never been one for tradition. It's not how I am. We did everything out of order. But it didn't matter. Screw the world. This was us...it was ours...

I know I haven't put anything (still) on my book blog about the novel series I'm working on. I'm going to after I post this.

This is what I know: when I get married, I wanna be in my mid-twenties, I DON'T wanna marry in a church, and I DON'T want a long dress with lots of frills and poofiness. I DON'T wanna long train on it. And I'm NOT wearing red lipstick with a bun and a veil. I'm leaving my hair down. No bun. No veil. I MIGHT curl it only slightly to give it a beachy waves kinda look. I wanna get married on the beach. Around sunset. I'm gonna wear flipflops. No heals. Hell, I might go barefoot.

Not a lot of makeup. Just natural looking makeup with a smoky eye thing going on. That's my favorite. But not black. Probably either plum, golden brownish colored, or a light gray.

I'm gonna have, like, this epic buffet thing and lots of colorful drinks like cocktails and daqueries and pina coladas and I'm gonna have sodas for the kids.

I'm doing my own hair and makeup, and for the bride's maids dresses, they're gonna be like mango, peach, orange, a light yellow...they'll be warm colors, but they won't match. And they won't all be the same dress. I'll use a certain dress to fit each individual person's figure.

I won't look like friggen Repunzle either. My dress is gonna be all silky and curve-hugging and have a bunched trail that doesn't go past my feet. Like I said: flip flops.

That wasn't the point of this post...I just got completely off topic. My point is, I love Nick, and he has a girlfriend. I didn't actually expect them to still be together...it's going on 3 months...true, it doesn't top 3 years. But....if he's been with her for this long, then he's gonna TRY to make it work and they won't break up soon...and the thing is, I try to judge fairly. I don't automatically hate a girl just because Nick hates her. I DO automatically hate a girl when she's the only thing that's keeping us apart.

I started burning again over this...I haven't since last time cuz Nick was pissed and Twitch said if I did it again she'd light her arm on fire, so I don't wanna take the chance of that happening because Taylor is honestly crazy enough to do it....I don't know if she'd actually go through with it, but it really wouldn't surprise me. I don't wanna take that chance.

I saw this post on Sami's blog about the Butterfly Project.
Go here: http://www.lifeencourageslollipops.tumblr.com/
It's helped...kinda...I haven't burned since...but it doesn't mean I'm not tempted. I'm gonna see him next friday...this can only go badly...

Just Thinkin'

Why is it that thinking about you makes me so sad now?

It used to make me happy...

I guess I just wanna be with you...

Fuck...

Random Poem-ish Thing

So, as most of you know, I've been taking prescription steroids this week. Evidently they make you INSANELY mood swingy. Like, how I am during PMS in the extremity kinda mood swingy. I don't hate Nick. I couldn't. I was just...hurt...I don't know...I guess I just had a momentary little weirdness happen where everything over the last couple months decided to let loose its sperm inside my brain so I could only think about that part. About what SHOULD'VE been compared to what IS.

And now Austin...he's amazing. He's sweet and funny and lets me vent and he's easy to talk to and he's REALLY hot. And he makes me feel...I don't know...like...like I'm doing something right, I guess. He's impressed by the small things about me like that I play guitar and have horses. It's like....an ego boost.

But I'm scared that that may end up being all he can be...because every fiber of my being has always told me that Nick was the one...he was all I ever wanted...all I want...so either I'm wrong and I need to let him go or...I'm right. And I need to be WITH him instead of with someone else...no matter how anybody else makes me FEEL, none of them could make me happy. Not truely. Not the way Nick did...it's weird...I've seen him twice since May yet none of my feelings have budged...and up until 2 months ago, I guess his hadn't either...but now...I have no idea...

I wish I could just let myself be happy with Austin...God knows he treats me better...but the thing is...I don't know...all I can think about with Austin is how I wish Nick felt that way about me...and if he still does, that he treated me like that...cuz he used to...that's why I broke down last Wednesday at church. Everyone thinks I'm using Austin. I'm not, obviously, with all the stuff I said about him already. But...I'm afraid...what if I hurt him? He doesn't deserve it. He deserves to be with someone that can make him happy. If a guy can't make me happy, then I wouldn't genuinely be able to make them happy...cuz I wouldn't fall in love with them...and Austin...what if he does? Then it makes everything harder...

We've gotten to that point where you talk about a lot of random crap and I 3-way'd him and Twitch so he's best-friend-approved. And she knows exactly where I'm coming from (see Judgemental Bitches on my Controversiality and My Opinions Blog: http://www.iwillnotkeepmythoughtstomyself.blogspot.com/) and where the pet names (I.E. babe, hun, honey...but just those) take part. It's weird...not like uncomfortable, really...but, like...the pet names never made me blush or giggle like a total girl except with Nick. We used ALL of them. But not like the embarrasing ones. The normal ones (I.E. babe, baby, darlin, hun, honey, love...I think that's it) and it feels weird for me to call anyone but him that.

Yes, I've dated guys since Nick, but he was my first and longest REAL relationship and we got somewhat serious...not like talking MARRIAGE but STILL. My commitment issues refuse to let me contemplate that far ahead. It would not end well. Either I'd get my hopes up, or I'd dread it. And, with my luck, the opposite of what I want would happen as is usually the case with him...I don't understand how I still feel so strongly about someone who feels like...a dream...like...an imaginary friend I guess...a dilusion...hallucination...this is what happens when I've been away from him for too long. And then I doubt my feelings. They turn to hate or indifference. But it lasts about 10 minutes and then I realize I was just being stupid...I don't know. I need TV. Read the random shit below.






There used to be so much love

In this heart for you...

Now it's about

Halfway drained

And refilling itself with hate...

I never wanted to hate you...

I never thought it was

Possible to hate you...

I loved you too much...

Why can't I just be happy

With what I have?

When you get a taste

Of the best thing-

The only thing

In the whole world

That you could ever want-

How could you go back

To still searching

For The One

When you've found him

And can't have him?

I'm so confused

Because I never thought

I could love

Like I loved you.

You changed my life.

You changed everything.

How am I

Supposed to be without you?

You were my whole life

My world

My air...

You wanted to make us work...

We could've....

We were meant for each other...

Supposed to be together...

How can you lose something like that?

When perfect for each other

Means disaster waiting to happen...

Then you know the world

Is on it's way to hell.

Might as well throw a party.

Old Poems From Facebook (4)

I wish I could take pictures with my eyes.
Our eyes see colors
No
camera can capture,
No paint can detail,
No drawing can define.
They
paint this picture inside our minds.
It can't be shown.
You have to see.

All we that is seen
Is pure beauty.
Every creation is beautiful.

All creation is good.
There's so much beauty in this world
But we so
often overlook it.

i took all of these pictures.

Old Poems From Facebook (3)

This is the difference between the movies and reality.
In movies,
everything works out the way it should.
They go thru similar situations, the
same emotions, and bottling it all up.
Finally they let it all out.
And
when they do, they get their perfect little happy ending.
In real life,

Happy endings are extremely rare
Because nothing works out like it's
supposed to
And we make this huge mess trying to fix everything
Which
only makes it worse.
Then when it feels like everything is just gonna fall
completely apart,
There's always someone there
To get you thru it.

Someone who's been there all along.
But what if that person wasn't in
front of you?
What if that person wasn't there?

Old Poems From Facebook (2)

Tonight I'm gonna cry
Tonight I'm gonna scream
Tonight I'm gonna
replay everything

Tonight I won't get sleep
Tonight I won't dream

Tonight I'll only be able to think

Tomorrow I won't want to be awake

Tomorrow my heart will break
Tomorrow I'll break down and cry


Then tomorrow night
I'll dance
And cry
And pray
And try
to get through everything on my own

Tomorrow night I'll live
And die

And for once in my life
I'll feel like things are right
Despite
everything wrong in my life

Tonight I'm gonna cry